Now if you are person that believes in such things as TMI, you probably shouldn't read. I don't have the filter that tells me someone is sharing too much, or that I am.
So, I'm very distracted by what is happening to my boobs, "the ladies." at 60 pounds I couldn't tell a difference really, maybe a little smaller. At 80 pounds I can hardly keep my bra where it is suppose to be.Saggy baggy. I recognize that I need to buy a new bra, but those last 20 pounds must have came directly from "the ladies."
I am happy with the weight loss and if saggy ladies is the result, well I guess i'll just have to spend some money at VS.
December 23 (after a too big unfill and therefore a little bit off week of eating)
Also, i've noticed that i like my schedule. I do well when I get up, go to school, drink tons of water, and eat a pre planned meal. So, with winter break only 2 days in, i'm going to have to work on being able to eat when I'm not in my comfort zone.
I'm at the doctors office for my first un-fill. I've kinda been worried bout being too tight, but it comes in randomly. This weekend I was throwing up any real food I ate... followed by the dreaded heartburn. Which I never in my life have had. So I called the doctor this morning and they said I could come right in. I'd rather do more work on my own and be able to eat the right foods. The chocolate in the picture I had no problem with. So I emptied it in the faculty lounge... felt good! I hope I'm making the right decision.
The best part about the lap-band... is that it is adjustable! So if I need more or less, I just do it.
I'm the kind of person that people accuse of having commitment issues. They are right. The problem is... If I say I'm going to do something, I do it with 110% dedication. Nothing less will be accepted. And If I commit, I'm pretty much committed for life (or at least the duration.) So when someone asks "wanna watch a movie Friday night?" and it is only Monday, I can't commit. What if I don't feel like watching a movie Friday night? it is no wonder I'm still single, right? :)
Anyway, when I decided to have lap-band I committed. For better or for worse we are together and I pray everyday that I never have to live without my lap-band. We are the best kind of friends.
So as I was analyzing the fact that I have lost 80 pounds, and just can't find a "I'm really happy place" I knew that it was just because of my personality. I've never been a "rest easy/take a break/ chill out kind of girl." I only settle for less that loosing 132 pounds:)
That being said... I think I need to remind myself of all the things I've gained, by loosing 80 pounds. I'VE LOST 80 POUNDS! OH-MY-LANTA!
So here is my attempt at a list of 80 things I've gained.
1. A knowledge that water is good.
2. Life will go on, even when I eat a nacho's and ice cream for dinner.
3. The scale doesn't lie, and that little lady will tell on me every time. ^^ See above dinner post.
4. Eating doesn't make me feel better, but a run sure as heck does.
5. Running shoes are for running, not for a sporty look.
6. Miralax is life changing.
7. People treat "skinnier" people better. Or maybe, I just feel better about myself (but I don't think so.)
8. It takes a lot of weight for me to notice a difference.
9. Food is not a friend.
10. The skinny girls (a lot of them) that I always thought were just naturally skinny, are at the gym, EXERCISING, watching what they eat.... WEIRD!
11. If the problem isn't weight related, it won't be fixed by losing weight.
12. Pizza and eggs are not good under any circumstances. I should never talk myself into them.
13. I should always drink water in the morning BEFORE I EAT ANYTHING... even with the taste of toothpaste in my mouth. Then I need to drink it for the rest of the day... get those ounces in.
14. People have suddenly become worried about how much they are eating around me. (Making excuses as to why they will finish their plate.) I'm not worried about their waistline, just mine.
15. For me, buying new clothes just isn't that fun because I hope they won't fit in a month. My wardrobe is probably as minimal as it has EVER been! (I wonder why it didn't bother me when I had to buy bigger clothes all of the time? Maybe I wasn't admitting to myself that I would have to replace them in 6 months or so.)
16. The occurrence of headaches are dramatically reduced... Sugar headache, anyone?
17. I don't miss Pepsi.
18. I also gave up lemonade about 3 months after banding, I don't miss it either.
19. My treat at night is my two gummy vitamins and my mint calcium:) It is better than eating a candy bar, I mean seriously, I enjoy it more.
20. I save tons of money on eating out. Sorry to whoever had stock in McDonalds. I'm sure it dropped!
21. Occasionally I dream about bread, but my life is better off without it.
22. I can live off of as many calories as I was eating at one meal, for an entire day.... and not be hungry. (Thank you lap-band.)
23.A knowledge that people that don't really know me are more likely to comment on my weight loss than anyone else. EXCEPT my really good friends that are just excited for me.
24. People will always say, "I couldn't do it. The lap-band just isn't for me." I've learned to just agree with them. If you don't have the will, it won't fix it for you. There is no magic pill.
25. It has been hard to give away my clothes. This surprised me.
26. I like loose jeans. I have a pair of Silvers (FAVORITE) size 22. I still wear them, with a belt. I can currently wear a size 14:) Hey, don't judge.
27. I sometimes go into stores just to see if I can wear the next size down. I don't usually buy anything but it is fun as hell to get into the next size.
28. I don't binge like I used to. Even when I eat things I shouldn't it is in moderation, and I am at least aware of the calories that I am putting in my mouth. And I usually don't eat in secret.
29. I've turned into the calorie, protein guru. (k-maybe not guru, but I'm pretty good.) I just like to know if what I’m eating is worth the calories.
30. I don't eat things that don't taste good.
31. I've learned there are some desserts I just don't like... so I don't eat them. Where before I would just eat it anyway. I ate German Pancakes for years when my Best Friend would make them, until one day, I thought, I don't like these, why eat them?
32. Breakfast is the hardest meal to eat. Most breakfast foods and I don't get along.
33. I don't like it when people are like "Can't eat the meat?" Or "Can't you eat potatoes?" I don't want to talk about it. I don't want you to feel bad for me... I got this way by "Exceeding the feed limit." I have to cut back, and I'm happy to do it (Most of the time.)
34. Skinny people get colder. I live in a blasted icebox (Winters are terrible.) But I've never been as cold as I am this winter.
35. NSV's are the best. I can't wait until next summer to RIDE RIDE RIDE!
36. I have become very comfortable with sharing my weight and my pants size. I wonder why I never share my shirt size? Maybe because it hasn't changed as much? That isn't true though... I was wearing a 2x and now I can wear an XL (depending on the brand.) But that doesn't seem like near as much as a 24 pants to a 14.
37. All those places I thought "weren't fat" (like I was in serious denial, thinking that I was mostly fat around my belly and nowhere else) are getting skinny. One of the first places I lost weight was in my feet.
38. People will ask you "what are you doing to lose weight?" The only part of the explanation they will hear is "lap-band." I have to be ok with this.
39. The cost was worth it.
40. I have learned I can run, I can bike, I can do anything.
41. I will skip out on other fun things to get my workout in. I'm dedicated.
42. I'm afraid I'll never feel skinny.
43. It pisses me off when guys ask me out. ESPECIALLY when they new me 80 pounds ago and never looked at me twice. JERKS!
44. Some people will get the band and say "It just didn't work for me." Sending them hate messages with your eyes will not fix them. They just don't get it, or aren't ready to change.
45. It is always easier to be proud of someone else.
46. For me, I always feel the fattest at the gym. I'm working on this.
47. That comparing yourself to others isn't a healthy way to judge your weight loss... but occasionally it will kick you in the ass and get you going again.
48. I can run for 50 minutes.
49. That I get really pissed when people say "I can't run." Well PEOPLE I was 277 pounds, 5'4" tall when I started this business and could only run for approximately 45 seconds and then would think I was going to die. Just stop making excuses... tell it like it is "I don't wanna run." That I can support. I won't even judge you for it.
50. I can recognize all the excuses in others when they start talking to me, because they used to be mine. What it boils down to is "I got really heavy, and I have a lot of weight to loose, and I don't think I can do it." I know how you feel. I've been you. I hope for your sake, you find something that works for you.
51. Liquids for a day or two won't kill me. Even when you think they will.
52. I can get full on an appetizer.
53. Eating out with me is cheap. (Who wouldn't want to date this? I swear you will never have to buy me a steak or lobster.)
54. I dream of shopping in the regular sized stores. Ahhhhhh... so close.
55. My body doesn't ache in the mornings like it used to.
56. People ask me for advice. Weird.
57. People ask "are you full?" Why is that appropriate now, but wasn't when I was over eating?
58. I pack a gym bag... yep, I plan to work out.
59. Everyday tasks are easier.
60. There is way more room in the car.
61. Flights of stairs are not a problem; in fact I may seek them out. (But not always, lets not get to carried away.)
62. Eating out is no longer the funnest thing about vacation.
63. Some people don't recognize me. Which is dumb, I don't really look that different.
64. Last night I realized that I won't have to worry about finding a wedding dress "my size" if that ever happens. I'll just be able to shop, shop, and shop. Watch out Dad.
65. A little healthy competition is, well, healthy.
66. It is harder to get all the protein I'm supposed to, than I thought it would be.
67. Blogging has kept me on track, and re-motivated me more times than I can say.
68. I've dropped 14 points on my BMI! Yahoo meeee!
69. I'm terrified that one day I may lose my band.
70. It is a little weird to go from never denying myself food. To just overlooking it on purpose. I've never worked so hard, or been so dedicated to getting healthy (and hell, I'll say it, SKINNy).
71. I have more patience. Because I'm not always exhausted.
72. If I need a caffeine fix, I get 5 hour energy. Low calories, and energy! Yeah!
73. If I eat right, running is easier. I'm still learning what "eating right to run" means. Suggestions welcome.
74. I have collar bones! I always look at my face and chest (above the boobs) and feel much thinner than I ever did before.
75. I like to track my food.
76. I should probably not talk so much about weight loss.
77. Writing a list of 80 is harder then I thought it would be.
78. I've decided when I hit 100 pounds I'm going public. Coming out of the closet so-to-speak. I've told tons of people about my surgery. It was never intended as a secret, but I'm going to share the blog and everything. Awkward? Potentially.
79. What if, I get to goal weight, and still think I have more to lose? I know there has got to be people out there that just got crazy caught up in it and LOST too much weight.
80. I pray that I have good genetics and youth on my side so the loose skin isn't too gross.
It has been one of those weeks. My kids at school have been hyper, hyper, hyper! We are definitely excited about Christmas break.
When I get stressed, my band gets tighter. Well I have been crazy stressed this week.... and therefore the band is practically zipped shut. I get the most frustrated when I can't eat anything that is good for me. Last night I tried to eat a food I know is a go for me, and crazy stuck! After like an hour of sliming, it just came up. Well this morning my pouch was really irritated and so I didn't try breakfast. Even water was hurting. So for lunch I just drank a cup of hot coco. Tonight I tried a chicken salad (which is another go-to food for me.) NOT GOOD! No sliming or tossing, but I only ate a bite or two.
Anyway, I regress. Last night I decided just to eat a cup of frozen yogurt for dinner. Everything was to irritated to try anything else, and I KNEW it would go!
So I ate yogurt, and was so mad at myself! Then someone said to me; "Stop stressing. Just relax and give your body time to catch up. You are loosing weight too fast anyway." This was like a salve to my wounded pride. I thought to myself "I'm expecting too much for myself. I should just take a break.
I weigh 199! Who could expect more? I could weigh this the rest of my life and not feel bad about it. its the holidays.... " I almost let myself talk myself into it. But then I remembered, I want to be more, I expect more of myself. I refuse to be a statistic. I will loose the next 50 pounds! I'm not giving up! Even when someone gives me permission too!
Who in their right mind would think it would be a good idea to have treats for the entire month of December at work? It is a serious thing too... THERE IS A SIGN UP SHEET! Seriously? Anyway, treats are served in the faculty room, right by the water cooler. Besides getting water I never go in there... but man was I tempted today.
Come on December... hurry up!
March 13, 2011: Today, while sitting in a sacrament meeting, in a beautiful green dress awesome shoes and a smile. I thought about how much I hate myself. Usually I wouldn't use the term "hate" but today I think that hate is truly the applicable term. I tried on 5 skirts/dresses that didn't fit right... i'm miserable, i'm huge. While I listened to the speakers contemplating 'life' I knew that I had to make a drastic change. I've decided to have Lap-Band weight loss surgery. I don't just want a change for today, or for this year, I want a change for the rest of my life and I'm going to have it. I know that I have to do something this drastic to have permanent, healthy weight loss. I know I can't live with myself this way any longer, I NEED A CHANGE! This day, 37 weeks ago changed my life. I've lost 73 pounds... I'm almost into the 190's and I have many more good days than bad. I'm learning to love myself, and make permanent, life changing, healthy decisions. And for all of those "lap-band naysayers," it changed my life and was the PERFECT decision, for me. It isn't all sun and roses, but it is a beautiful journey to a healthier, happier, Lorie.
So I've been hesitating to write this... because I'm just a little unsure that it could be possible. But, you know how we are all always debating about what makes our band tighter?
And you know how I've been complaining about mine being SERIOUSLY way too tight, and it just keeps getting tighter? Well, I think I figured it out.
Last Monday and Tuesday I did my regular regimen of running and power toning class. Then, the rest of the week, NOTHING! I didn't move any more then I had too. And my band continued to get tighter and tighter, to the point I was having a hard time getting water down.
So last night, on a bout 300 calories for the day, I decided to go for a serious run. Almost 3 miles. Almost instantly I could feel a difference in my band. When my band gets to tight, I can feel it. Not just when I eat but all of the time. So, after the run, I just felt super good. And today? I've had a much better time eating. Still good restriction but not the CRAZY tightness that was going on! :)
I'm telling you, my Lap-Band has a sense of humor, making it impossible to skip exercise? It must know how accountable I need to be!
So, remember my post about a week ago asking my lap-band where it had went? Because it was so loose I could eat about anything? Well, IT is back, with a vengeance. I'm getting stuck on everything, and everything hurts (feels like i've eaten gravel.) Not good. Now some people have made the comment of "won't you just loose weight faster when it is tighter?" Here is the problem with that theory. I just stop eating the stuff that I'm suppose to because it makes me sick, and I eat sliders instead (ice-cream, cookies, cereal, all the bad stuff.) So my question is, do I wait and see if it loosens up?
Alright, I'm confessing to my sins. This week i've completely fallen off of the lap-"band wagon." Everything i've eaten (from the good food list) has hurt like crazy, so i've been resorting to foods I know won't get stuck or feel as though I've eaten gravel.... and they are not the good foods, the foods that I'm suppose to be eating. I'm wondering if Aunt Flo has made my band tighter? I don't know what it is but i've been miserable. This week not being a loss was completely my fault because of my food choices.
I need to refocus, take charge, and become a good bandster girl again!
Do you ever catch yourself making excuse for why there might be a gain on the scale this week?
Here are some of my personal favorites:
1. Aunt Flo is visiting.
2. I just didn't/ or won't have time to work out.
3. Water weight.
The list goes on!
The truth? When I catch myself going into this negative behavior pattern i know I'm preparing myself to have a gain and be comfortable with it. The PROBLEM is I shouldn't be comfortable with any sort of gain that I made excuses for in advance. If I'm truly eating right, exercising and keeping myself accountable and then there is a gain, that we can handle.
Since my last fill (Monday) you have been MIA? Where are you? Did you go on vacation and decide that you didn't want me to come along? I love to travel! Please come back! I'm hungry and I don't like it!
I know in February of this year, when I picked you up at that department store, you thought to yourself "HELL YES" I'm going to the home of a chubby. I'll admit that for a month-or two I admired your shininess and beautiful shape from a far. Oh how I loved you, you were comfortable for the small amount time I wore you, mostly just when I wanted a "sporty look" without actually being sporty.
Then it all changed, didn't it? This lady did a complete 180 and though you were still being sported by a fatty, all of the sudden it was a fatty that was moving... actually moving! Now your shiny, beautifulness is not so great, I no longer wear you to look sporty, it just serves a purpose. Your soles are wearing thin, there is mud on you from when I have ran in the rain and you are helping to change my life.
So Nike Free XT, thanks for your support, thanks for helping me to get moving.
A smaller fatty than when we started.
PS I'm sorry about the mud:)
Lucky me, I have one scheduled for tomorrow! :) I'm really excited!
My Doc in Denver is retiring... so I've had to find a new one. Another, "luck me" a group of doctors in Vernal (my hometown) has started to offer Lap-Band services. My last fill was with her! She did awesome! She actually numbed me before she did the fill? It was weird, but whatever.
Anyway, I'll report back! Hopefully I'll be back to eating less.
Today I'm thankful for the student that said "Miss Lorie, you are my favorite teacher." I've been coaching him to say this for 2 years... and today he said it spontaneously! :) YAHOOOOO! Ladies, you have no idea what it did to my heart! :)
Question: Could you leave this “high-tech” world and live a simpler life? I’m talking about living 100 miles from town, canning veggies, chopping wood, homeschooling my kids, the entire she-bang. What do you think? Could you do it?
Until about 5 days ago, I would have told you no way! Now, I seriously think that I could, that I would not only embrace it… but also thrive.
So, occasionally I think of something, and it surprises me. Then the thought of it, leads to a realization in another aspect of my life. As we are driving across some of the most beautiful country I've ever seen; were there aren't houses for miles and miles, and the land is exactly set up for raising cows and a few horses. A thought occurred to me, "when did my life become so focused on possessions?" Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a crazy "I have to have this, or I have to have that" but, there is a part of me that is always saving money to buy the next thing. Working not one, but three jobs to make sure I have what I want. Don't get me wrong, it is by choice, and I don't live outside my means, but when did it become so important?
I started to question all the things I've worked so hard for, and analyze if I could live without it, and why I don't.
Smartphone for instance, is it really important that I can Google something, or look at Facebook whenever I please?
What about my car with leather seats, or my 300 pairs of shoes... many pairs of boots included.
Directv with DVR? I bet I don't watch 4 hours of TV a week.
THESE ARE JUST A FEW.
Which brings me to the real point. What is all this stuff about? And if I could live without it, why don't I?
Now the realization of this also brought on a realization about Colorado. See ladies, there are things I haven't told you. First, he lives in a camper, by choice. At first, I was ashamed to admit this to people. But after I had the above realization, I started to analyze why? Why does it bother me? What does it tell me about his character? Second, he doesn't have a smartphone, doesn't drive a new truck, and has debated over a month about getting a puppy, deciding that he doesn't have time for one. How does this entire thing tie together?
Well here it is:
I don’t believe that people are what they have. I think that true character goes deeper than that. So, if I truly believe this, why am I so worried about stuff? I’m deciding that I’m not going to be, that I’m going to be more than “what I have.” The truth? I like Colorado, I like his quirkiness, his opinionated attitude, his “take it or leave it” approach, and I like the simpleness in his life that he embraces.
Friends are important to Colorado, doing his job the best he can, being educated about the things around him… he actually cares about just about everything but what “possessions” he has.
I don’t know why Colorado and I have crossed paths, but I do know that I’ve learned things about myself because of him, and that I’ll always be grateful.
So I'm going on a quick trip to Montana this weekend ( be back Tuesday). Leaving my class in the capable hands of my "ladies." Going to a cow sale, what other kinda vacation would this girl love?! The biggest surprise? I packed my running gear and I have every intention of genuinely using it.
So, I know I'm late with thankful Thursday post. No excuse :) This week I'm thankful for the smallest blessings. A text or call from a friend, a kind word... a pat on the back! They make the biggest difference.
I've pretty much eaten myself into a food coma today.
It included the following:
Grilled cheese sandwich and veggie soup
2 Oat and honey Granola bars.
1 grab size bag of kettle cooked, salt and pepper chips.
1/2 a chicken crunch salad... ranch dressing, and a couple bites of roll.
1/2 a box of NERDS and 25 skittles (whatever that adds up to.)
Now, 6 months ago I would have told you that I was practically starving to death (and that I needed a Pepsi to survive.) but, these days i'm staying between 700-1000 calories a day... so I feel as though I have eaten way more than my body needs today (and believe me, it is shouting it loud and clear.)
The one good thing I did do today is a I drink A LOT of water:) I guess some habits do carry over... if they are strong enough.
So I met Colorado today! There wasn't any pie eating... but there was a meeting and some awkwardness. (Maybe because my Dad and sister were there and like 5 people he works with.) Any who, it is over... and we will move on. I have talked to him since the "incident" and everything seems great! :)
(This is not the actual Colorado... the real one is blonde and 6'4'' ish. This is the CO from John Wayne.)
As promised... a Colorado update! :)
First of all, if you haven't watched the old John Wayne classic "Rio Bravo." STOP reading and go do that now. It will completely explain the nick name that is Colorado.
Anyway, Colorado and I have been texting for a couple of weeks. Ladies, don't be jealous but he is pretty awesome.
1. He can intelligently debate cows and dogs (though he doesn't agree about what I think it is the best breed of cow or the best working breed of dog.)
2. He is HILARIOUS! (I'm mean witty, seriously witty.)
3. He is good lookin'.
4. He is a good texter... I mean, he texts you back, he doesn't text one word replies, and he asks as many questions as he answers. (Good texter :)
5. He can debate anything ranch related... anything... and he knows what he/ I am talking about.
6. For a ranch guy he has an amazing vocabulary~ words used appropriately!
7. He actually spells things out so reading his texts aren't like deciphering an ancient language.
8. Most importantly he is painfully honest! (For those of you who know me, know that this is the MOST important thing.) He isn't just honest when it pays off for him.
There is one little problem HE WANTS TO HAVE PIE! WHAT? You think this is a joke? It isn't!
So it sounds pretty awesome, right? Here is the problem... I'm broken. My roommate Amber and I have talked about this many times, and there are several issues:
1. I'm afraid that I'll like someone and he won't like me back.
2. WORSE~ He will like me and I won't like him back! awkwardness
3. What if I think he is amazing... when in truth he is a loser... and I marry him anyway. Signing myself up for a life of misery. (I'm capable of this.)
4. I eat pie... and I ruin everything that has been so fun! It isn't worth it. So I vote no pie! What is wrong with just texting the rest of my life?
5. He realizes I'm a bigger girl than my photo's revealed and it makes him toss his cookies.
6. I don't like pie (I mean I seriously don't eat pie, it is gross)... that can't be a good omen, right?
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child ofGod. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -- Nelson Mandela
I took Friday off of work to spend the weekend on the mountain with my family! It was a weekend full of fabulous work with cows, and delicious FOOD (unhealthy food) and I think it just proved how far I still have to come...
My other concern is that I didn't have a very easy time being away from my scale! I knew I was making bad food choices but I needed my scale there to keep me accountable! I am a scale WHORE~ I need it to let me know immediately (which it does) that I ate too much, that I didn't make good choices!
I've got along way to go.
Also, there is an update on Colorado... but i'm to exhausted to write tonight! I'll write tomorrow! :)
Today, I was beating the hell out of myself! I don't know why... i'm having a good week. Yet, I still need a pick me up. So here is the truth I have lost, NO JOKE lost 45% of my excess body weight! I say that demands some serious celebration!
My question is, now that we aren't foodies.... what do all you (non-food addicts/ recovering food addicts) do for celebration?
I grateful for a Father in Heaven that knows what I need more than I do!
Here is the story. This summer, there was a boy (for the purpose of this post I am going to call him Rich). I thought he was pretty rad! Well Rich and I went on a couple dates and we talked every day for a couple of weeks.... and man, I just thought he was the bee's knee's... everything I was looking for, except cowboy. (And turns out he is socially illiterate and a complete ass... but I get ahead of myself.)
Well, it just didn't work. I was really upset, but he just didn't seem interested.
Now Rich and I run in the same circle. So I occasionally run into him and we are on friendly terms. Well the other night we ended up at the same gathering. At said gathering they were serving Nacho's. There is a group of about 15 of us sitting at a table, 7 of us (the ones I usually hangout with) get some nacho's and are having a grand ole' time. Well, Rich's side of the table (the kids that were the most popular in high school.) aren't having Nacho's. Just sitting around, talking AT each other about nothing except who's Lexus is the newest, or who's families property is biggest/most wonderful on the mountain. Well, in our group there is a young lady, who Rich and I both happen to have went to school with. She has significant disabilities; which have a VERY special place in my heart! Well Rich decided to talk at his cronies and tell them all about how much this girl EATS! Rich is going on and on about how one time he saw her eat 6 pieces of cake, or 2 hoagies, and how she is on her second plate of nacho's for the night.
Well he messed with the 2 most sensitive subjects in my life People with disabilities, and food. Well his little cronies just laugh and laugh and I lost it! Told him what a joke I thought it was and how I expected better of him. Then he tries to cover it up with "I give her rides, I like her." Well to me, when you like someone you like them to their face and behind their backs...
So i'm taking a quote from Lap Band Gal
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too, bitch So I am grateful that there is a bigger power, and he watches out for me.
There are days, occasionally, that things just feel right in the world. Today is one of those days for me. I know that it won't last, that soon, maybe even tomorrow, things won't be so perfect but i'm enjoying the moment for now!
So, I completely spaced thankful Thursday this week... I don't know why? Must be this funk I'm stinking around in.
The question is... what am I most thankful for this week? My new scale? Nope, it weighs 3 pounds heavier than my old one. The treadmill? Nope, I have a price out on its head. Bike? Not really, though it was the most enjoyable exercise I found this week. So, I guess I'm grateful that I get to keep going! That next week is a new week and this isn't just a "quick fix" but a lifetime change!
I'm here to admit it, I'm a food addict... I think I'm in recovery until I have a week like this week and then I know I'm in a bad spot!
It all started Monday when my roommate and I were invited to Farr's Fresh for ice cream. I didn't go overboard, just had a 1/3 cup of Peach Sorbet. It just, sort of, triggered something in me and I haven't stopped eating the rest of the week. SWEETS! Cookies, ice cream, Hawiian Punch, Recess.... pretty much all those things that go down easily for us banded girls, but that we usually avoid.
Me? I living, walking proof, that a band is NOT a fix all. You can still eat all the crappy foods that you used to, and if you give it time in between I can almost eat as much of it as I used to.
A group of us "singles ward" kids went to my families cabin this weekend! It was so fun.
Food wise, it was a disaster! :)
Dinner I ended up tossing up, GROSS! I didn't eat more than I should... I just didn't know how to help what there was to eat. You know? We made a dutch oven chicken pot pie. I didn't eat the crust, I didn't eat the potato's, didn't eat anything I shouldn't, but I had been with these people for 6 hours... they knew I hadn't eaten, how do I tell them "i'm not hungry?" You don't, just eat a little, then toss it up! YUCKY!
Breakfast... for me as a bander, has always been difficult! I wake up really thirsty so I drink 20-40 oz of water and then eat a granola bar or have a yogurt.
That isn't camping food though, is it? So they made bacon, eggs, and pancakes! Old me would have attacked it, new me? I see calories and I see things that might hurt. So I eat (literally) one bite of pancake, one bit of eggs and a slice of bacon. Tonight I'm feeling pretty hungry... so i'm going to have a salad! YUMMY! Here is to the new me!~ Making changes!
How do you handle these awkward social/eating situations with people who don't know about your band!
Today I am thankful for my AMAZING sister-in-law Holly! She is an inspiration to me! She is supportive through all of my awkward weight loss moods... and she is a machine when it comes to working out! When I grow up, I wanna be just like her!
Thanks Holly! And if we were the "type" I'd tell you that I love you... but we aren't!
So there is a boy... and it isn't anything serious... but I want to write about him, because IT explains the spot I am in emotionally this evening.
10 years ago... I used to be a rodeo queen, well at that point I was a hopeful rodeo queen. There was a lady named Annie Oakley (name change, duh) that was helping me out (she is like a MORE amazing Annie Oakley). Anyway, she moved away and we haven't seen her in years. My Mom and Sister went to Salina to a State horse show and while there went into a western wear store. And there SHE WAS! Then Wendy wants to set me up on a date. :) (I will from hence forth refer to this man as Colorado, like the hot guy in all the john wayne movies.) Which I say! YAHOO! To! She texts me this (about the date) and then tells me all about Colorado! Who turns out to be more of a MAN! He is employed! A cowboy! And funny is all GET OUT! Colorado has it going on! Wendy had already sent me a picture of Colorado... and let me tell you ladies, he is good lookin'. Anyway, he hits me up for a picture, which I know is rational on his part.
So I send him two pictures. One of me on my horse, all cowgirl decked out. Then one of me and my SIL lookin' pretty good at a concert! :)
All night I was freaking out! They were not pictures after I've lost 50 pounds. Both were post pictures. I wanted to text him and tell him "I've lost weight, I only eat 1,000 calories a day, and I exercise 5x's a week." I didn't, but I wanted to.
So the irrational part of my mind is ticked that he has to know what I look like. Couldn't we just go on in happy oblivion without ever having to address how LARGE I am!
I talked to him 3 days in a row... 3rd being picture night. What if I never hear from him again?
WHY can't I be more confident? DANG IT!
Well Ladies... today is my weigh in day, and the results are in. -1.2 pounds... the reason it wasn't an even 2? OREO'S! Dang, I just went hog wild on them this week! :) So yummy, but i'm sad that the scale didn't move more! :( Here's to a much improved with.
So, yesterday a group from my YSA ward decided that they were going bowling! They have stuff all of the time (I usually just don't attend.) Anyway, I decided to go! A+ decision! First reason... I put on some of my boot cut jeans, that previously did NOT fit! They used to be tight all the way from the top to the bottom (ankles.) Well, not only did they fit, they were a little bit too big! Cute shirt... and I was ready to go!
The biggest change? I didn't feel like a huge girl trying to be small so I would stay out of the way. I danced, I sung, I bowled. I concured! Success: not worrying about your shape for the entire evening! I "heart" bowling!
I bought size 18 jeans! Down from the bulging 24 I was wearing when I started this adventure. :)
I took a pair of 20's in that I bought when we were school clothes shopping and switched them for an 18. I didn't think they would fit! I thought I was just getting a pair that I could wear in a while.... nope! THEY FIT!
I'm having a really hard time 'retiring' some of my old clothes. Almost all of my pants and shirts are too BIG!
It is kinds of weird, because I thought I would be so HAPPY to go buy new clothes, but there is some sadness in losing my well thought out and planned wardrobe. I think some of the sadness come from not wanting to go out and buy "quality things" or at least not many of them, because I'm still losing?
So what is a girl to do? And do you all just donate your clothes to a local DI? I've spent a lot of time and money on my wardrobe and I'm just tossing it out.
I know, I know, it probably seems weird, but weight loss and gain isn't always rational!
I can't be the only "big girl" that thinks "i'm the wrong shape to be here!" Damn the gym rats!
Also, isn't it amazing that all the skinny people I hated before for being "naturally skinny" are at the gym? If I had a million dollars, I'd also bet that they watch what they eat! Who could have guessed, eat less and move more? Works ever time! :)
Thanks to my band... i'm on my way to being one of the fit crowd.... doesn't mean there won't be a few (maybe a lot) of large awkward moments!
So i'm really trying to improve my protein intake... it has been more difficult than I expected!
I love yogurt. I typically eat Weight Watchers Vanilla!
Sugars 11 g
Dietary Fiber: 3
So I decided to try Yoplait Greek yogurt
Protein: 17 g
Dietary Fiber: 0
DELICIOUSNESS: like rotten milk!
Greek Yogurt is not for me! Guess i'll find my protein somewhere else!
Today was a skinny day for me! I felt so good al day:) First of all because I ran again last night and felt awesome; 2 miles in 30 minutes! It really was amazing. Scale (when I peek this morning) was down 3 pounds this week! 3! Pounds:) Yay! After school is when it falls apart... but I get ahead of my self, let me start at the beginning.
So... a million years ago I showed horses in 4-h! Miki and I rode horses all of the time; rodeo, horseshow's, ANYTHING to do with horses! Anyway, there was this boy... and he was so, so, so, so, YUMMY! (Like better than cake and cookies, and pumpkin roll just sayin'.)
Well today, Makayla (my sis) asked me to drive to Upaca (near Bluebell) to pick up a cow dog. On our way there I started reminiscing about the good ole' days with Miki and Yummy Cowboy (name change for privacy purposes!) :)
Well we got there to get the dog and IT WAS HIM! .... the one and only Yummy Cowboy! As good looking as ever! My sister was like "YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE!" (That is how good looking he is.)
This is what immediately happened to me; I shut down and go into fat girl mode! I immediately lose all confidence and forget all about looking skinny in my clothes and feeling awesome about myself, and become introverted! :( Damn you Fat Self! Pull it together!
K- this boy is married... but for the purpose of this post it isn't important. What is important is how I felt. I obviously have a long way to go!!
So, i've always been a snacker... and it has been a hard habit to break! So, I've tried to embrace it instead of beating the hell out of it (all the time.) First, I limit snacking, it isn't a free for all... but if I'm having one of those evenings that I know I'm going to snack... I hit ONE of my two stand-by pals.
First: Edy's Fruit Bars
Come one LADIES... Fat free, no sugar added, and only 35 Calories! Thats what I'm talking about!
Second: 100 Calorie Pop popcorn... it is a crunchy, long lasting treat... YUMMY!
Ladies... tell me the truth... do you ever have an urge to pack around a fat picture (or in my case a fatter picture.) Especially when I meet someone new. I just want to SHOUT you think I'm big now, you should have seen me a few months ago! Some people pack around pictures of their kids, dogs, and their lives in general... why can't i pack a fatter picture?
Now, come on, I know I can't do this but I seriously want to! I'm so proud of my accomplishment and I just want to show people how far I've come.... especially in this scary "single" life I live!
There are a few things that I didn't expect to deal with when I got banded... things I just didn't think about.
I'm a single girl... and I attend an LDS singles ward. (It is an awesome group of kids.) Well I'm not ready to share with them my journey using the lap-band, though I know most of them would be 100% supportive. The other night my new roommate Amber was moving in and a boy (for this post will be called JJ) helped her. Afterwards we went to dinner. Well I ordered the chicken salad and went about eating it like I always do. This salad is HUGE! So I only ate about 1/8 and was full. Well JJ decided to comment on how much I didn't eat... it was interesting, I didn't know what to say. Amber, the roommate, knows because I didn't want her to worry about what I was or wasn't eating. But I've never been in the position to have people analyze what I didn't eat. (I didn't get this size by not eating.)
People obsessing about you having a drink at dinner... case-in-point... I was asked multiple times at a BBQ if I needed a drink. Who knew people noticed?
What does one eat at a BBQ? I usually try to make a lettuce wrap; once again, people comment about the lack of a bun! Come on, how do you expect a chubby to lose weight?
Dessert! Yes I would LOVE some, no, I'm not having any... i've got 85 pounds left to lose! :) Thanks though.
Do you think it is easier being married and banded or single? Pro's and Con's?
Zena is my Doberman, she is also one of my best friends: usually a very well behaved best friend. I can leave her home for 12 hours and she just chills, waiting for me to get home and hold her! (I don't leave her home that long often, so all you dog activists can just put your panties back on straight!)
Zena has been with me from the beginning of this Journey! Couldn't ask for a better jogging partner... and here are the reasons why:
1: She is always up to go.
2: She doesn't act like it easy and she has to "wait for you."
3: She is obese too... so the girl understands where I'm coming from (or going to: depending on how you want to look at it.)
Her problem started with a trip to the vet. She has pulled "something something something's" in her leg. Kind of like when an athlete pulls their ACL's and stuff. Anyway, the vet told me to put her on a diet. I explained to him that she only gets 2 cups in the morning, and 2 cups in the evening. He said to cut her back to 1 1/2 and NO running... DAMN IT!
This was a month ago and man is she acting like a BIG girl on a diet. I mean sneaking snacks... stealing food from her sister her VERY skinny sister... today she hit an all time LOW! I walk into the kitchen to find my typically well mannered dog with a 20 dollar brick of cheese between her big old jaws!
I couldn't be mad because I've been there! :) Feel bad for the girl and her grumbling stomach! Maybe my Dobbie can get a band?
I spend too much time wishing I was loosing more weight. Wishing I had more restriction in my band. When the truth is... I'm not exercising the way I should be and i'm eating way TOO many cookies! :)
What am I going to do?
Well, starting tomorrow i'm meeting my gym partner at 5:30 in the morning! YUCKY! I know how I am, I better see results this week or i'm going to be so DISAPPOINTED! (and probably quit, but hopefully not).
I've got to start sending that scale in the right direction... I want to loose 100 pounds by my 1 year lap-band date!
60+ pounds to go!
School starts this week, I hope that doesn't affect my eating too much!
"if your own mind turns against you, where are you going to hide?" David Riddell
Quote from "looking for feet" blog
"The other day I realized I was still doing this all wrong. When I started to feel crappy again, I should have eaten more veggies, exercised more, drank more water. Instead I sat on my ass, ate chips, and ice cream and drank liters of Pepsi Max (lemonade for me.)"
"As delicious as the hiding place has been, I need to get out of it. Get out of my head."
This blogger said what I couldn't find the words to say in my last post. Or maybe I truly couldn't identify those emotions. I was to proud.... Or maybe naive to admit that i was sabotaging myself. That by living in my head I was telling myself that I couldn't succeed. That this time just like every other time I would fail. I would put the weight back on, plus some. Well I've outed myself.... The hiding place has been compromised. I will do better for myself. I'm not hiding anymore! BUSTED...
First of all... A huge shout out to Ashley A. For being my personal cheerleader! I needed her tonight and she was there to lend a a helping hand. First of all... I've been in serious denial! After my last doctors visit I was on cloud 9! I couldn't be stopped. I went out and bought a bike and was really loving it, so proud of myself for the 40 pounds I had lost. Then something happened.... I don't know what, I cant pin point it and I ended up where I am now; in self mutilating mode (not in a slice my wrist sort of way, but in a I hate myself way.) TRUTH: I gave up on myself.... A really dark place where the 99 pounds I have left to loose is kicking me in the face. While I lay there, basically begging it to win, again!
The position I am in is proof that if you don't love yourself and believe in your own self worth, then no one else will either.
So, on this blog that I don't let anyone read, I'm making new goals, realizing that il make mistakes on my journey towards loosing my "obese" title.
1. No more lemonade! That shit is killing me.
2. Write down what I eat.
3. Measure... I feel like I've lost inches that I "think" I can see but don't have proof.
4. Weekly weigh ins.
5a. Cut out treats... If I'm hungry Eat a nutritional meal.
5. Loose 35 pounds by Christmas for a weight of 199 and a BMI of 35.2 (10 points down from start).
I'm not just getting back on the wagon... I'm driving this sucker!
My dear young sisters, you need to know that you will experience your own adversity. None is exempt. You will suffer, be tempted, and make mistakes. You will learn for yourself what every heroine has learned: through overcoming challenges come growth and strength.
It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.
"Your happily ever after"
I have a very dear friend...( we are recently acquainted but it was one of those friendships that immediately took off!) We were having this discussion about dating. How it is so easy to have a one sided relationship (i.e. for one person to be more committed then another, or for one person to confuse "hanging out" and "dating.") We also talked about how as women we have a tendency to drop everything for a boy... boy calls; girl suddenly has no plans for the evening.
So our debate was; why do we act so desperate? Why do we feel like we are the "leftovers?" Like all of the good women were married when they were 18-20 leaving the rest of us to scrape together what we could find. Is this the truth? Are we the women that our Heavenly Father wouldn't dare force a son of his to spend Eternity with? (I know this isn't true, please understand my facetious nature.)
I recently experienced heartache... all the more pronounced because it was entirely one sided; leaving me with the heart break and him with a new "girl." (Cuz when a heartbreaks it don't break even. ~The Script) Like every time I become heart sick the following happened.
1. I was grumpy for a day or two... barking at every person within ear shot.
2. Emotionally Constipated (Ambers words, not mine... but accurate.)
3. then the self destruction starts with the following personal attack.
a. I must NOT be tall enough, pretty enough, smart enough, educated enough, spiritual enough, funny enough, outgoing enough, forward enough, SKINNY enough.
b. I must BE to loud, to outgoing, to moody, to forward, etc.
4. And always "What did I do?"
At the end of the "post break up week" I'm left feeling like the bottom of the barrel.
So what is the truth of this? TRUTH:
When I look around at the BEAUTIFUL, YOUNG, TALENTED, SPIRITED, FAITHFUL, CARING, SERVING, young adults. We all have amazing potential. I refuse to act like i'm the bottom of the barrel, like I have to take whichever dork comes along; drop everything; be perfect, so that I might FINALLY catch someone. Truth? I'll stay alone FOREVER before I settle for "maybe we can be happy together."
I'm the CREAM OF THE CROP!
Down 40 pounds! Just got my second fill... I now have 7.2 mm in my band. Feeling pretty good restriction and I'm excited about the progress. I bought a road bike today and i'm stoked! Going right now to pick it up! Yipeee! I feel so good and i'm going to keep it up! Only one more month of summer and I get to go back to school! Miss my kiddos!
I know that this started out as a blog about weight loss, and my journey through those trying times, the ups and downs.... but i'm finding that I like it to be a blog.... that is more like a journal, that I can record my feelings in. Most of those feelings have a lot to do with weight loss. I feel as though those struggles I have in my life are connected to weight loss and love; what else is there? lol Anyway, I'm always struggling with "should I? shouldn't I" I wish the world was entirely more straightforward! I'm going to continue to refer to "the guy" as "hot date" just to keep it interesting. :) Hey, what is life without a little mystery. Anyway, i've waited and waited for Hot Date to call, and he hasn't. I've seen him a couple of times, and we have talked about dinner and all that, but he just hasn't called... well not about that. I have talked to him about a few other things, but if I told you what then it would give him away (it is Vernal, and everyone knows everyone.) Anyway, I have consulted with the people I consult with (sister, SIL, and good friend R) and we have decided that I should ask him out again... here is where I lose my courage. He is TOO nice, if he was even semi-jerky I would feel more comfortable because I would know that he would tell me that he didn't want to. But I'm going to do it! It is Thursday, i'm going to call him on Sunday. There is a method to my madness! I'll write more in a bit... i need to go water the horses!