Saturday, April 23, 2011

I had my consultation with Dr. K- So excited about the next step/chapter in my life. I just wish that it was going to happen earlier/quicker! Here we go!
He told me that I would use my band as a tool, and that in order to lose all the weight I desire to lose, then I will have to be on a diet.... (which the lap band helps with).
"all things in moderation is applicable when you get your goal weight." I'm so excited about hitting the ground running! I'm writing my bucket list, and I'll tell you what there are some things on that list to be excited about:)!

I'm going to put it on here soon! I wrote it at home in my Journal!


3 things for me

I've been deciding how i'm going to reward myself after i've lost some weight, these may change as life goes on... as the weight comes off... but for now this is what I say:
-30 pounds= pedicure?
-60 pounds= bikini wax
-90 pounds=Swimming Suit:)
-120 pounds= savvy outfit! Pointed shoes, leggings, etc...something I could have never bought before (From the regular sized section.)

I'm thinking that these will change but seriously, I have to have something to work towards!


Are you gonna kiss me or not?

You going to kiss me?  (follow link to hear wonderful song.)

I know this is a blog about weight loss.. and my journey towards a happier thinner me... and tonight, I am silently weeping the woes of being a 23 year old that hasn't been on a date in over a year. Does no one else see this as a problem... So, here's the the guy out there waiting for me! You gonna kiss me or what?

We were sittin' up there on your momma's roof
Talkin' bout everything under the moon
With the smell of honeysuckle and your perfume
All I could think about was my next move
Oh, but you were so shy and so was I
Maybe that's why it was so hard to believe
When you smiled and said to me...

Are you gonna kiss me or not
Are we gonna do this or what
I think you know I like you a lot
But you're 'bout to miss your shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not

It was the best dang kiss that I'd ever had
Except for that long one after that
And I knew if I wanted this thing to last
Sooner or later I'd have to ask
For your hand
So I took a chance
Bought a wedding band
And I got down on one knee
And you smiled and said to me....

Sunday, April 10, 2011


The truth... The truth.... TRUTH! I keep trying to post this... keep trying to put it into words, and I can't seem to find them. Maybe i'm a chicken, maybe I know what I want to write, but can't bring myself to put into words and lend it credence.
Here it is. I'm afraid I will HATE men, all of them, that ask me out. Even if they didn't know me "fat," would they have loved me? Does being skinny change so much? Damn it! Damn them! and Damn myself for letting me get this way!
Then, what if i'm the opposite? What if I don't care, what if I forget "who I am" and just go crazy like another "prior fat chick" I know did... she sleeps with anyone that has a pulse... and all she talks about is how much people want her. With no substance to her character. Letting herself be defined by a night at the bar, and the handsome face that buys her a drink.

THIS fat girl is afraid.
I'm more afraid of the feeling then anythings else, what if nothing feels the same, what if I love food so much that even with surgery I can't lose weight... Maybe the fear mostly comes from the question: what if I can't love myself even if i'm skinny. There are so many what ifs'. I'm driving myself crazy.

I pray, daily that I will find peace and comfort in my journey...
What if the skinny me hates myself as much as my fat self did?

On a good note, I've felt peace about my decision to go forward with the surgery... I just want to be able to manage everything around me:) SURPRISE!

The Road Not Taken

I'm finding that my weight loss journey is inter connect to many of the issues i've always had... and generally ignored with a fierceness! I'm also learning other truths, and I think, finding that there are many things I need to come to terms with.

1. I need to always remember that I'm grateful for prayers that are answered with a resounding "NO" or "not now."
2. I will spend the rest of my life battling food. I'm hopeful that the day will come when I "eat to live" and not "live to eat." because right now, I truly "live to eat." It is slowly killing me...
3. I want love more than anything and being skinny won't guarantee it... do you think that it will increase my chance? I hope so; it has been a long dry streak. hahahaahh
4. I'm afraid I'll never love myself enough to expect someone to love me; like I think it should be.
If you always do, what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten. Unknown

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~Robert Frost

Friday, April 8, 2011

weight... holding me down....

He called to say thanks for the basket. Said he would like to return it if, I wouldn’t be offended… I said I would be. Said that it wasn’t necessary and that he had felt bad that he had gotten so mad. (I think, that he thinks, that that is why I brought him the basket, because he was mad, which I know isn’t the truth.) Oh, and if that is him getting mad, I’d be embarrassed to lose my temper in front of him. He said that he hadn’t done anything “extra” and I don’t agree with that… he was at my house twice; we called him in the middle of the night (2 am). He was awesome… He said that the treats were “much enjoyed.” He said that he now owes me; I said, “Yeah, you do! I look forward to it!” Then he asked about the dog and puppies, and then it was over. Why, oh why, can’t I have more? I just want to date someone who loves me for me, care for someone who cares for me. Not be obsessed, just a good “old-fashioned” romance where two people are in it for the long haul, for the ups and downs, the I hate you’s and the I love you’s… I want it all, but not that much. I know that there will be ups and downs, times one or both of us want to leave. I just want someone who wants to work hard and at the end of the day, after a lot of HARD work (both of us) just to spend the simple time together; on the couch, on a horse, watching the news… I’m not looking for a fairy tale, just someone to work hard with.
My perfect match:
1. Works hard
2. Kind
3. Compassionate
4. Grateful for life’s’ simple pleasures
5. Loves kids… even ones with a disabilities.
6. Brings out the good in me. Loves me when the good side isn’t showing.
I’m a good person, I love people, I’m compassionate, I’m willing to work hard, I’m funny.
I’m not asking for the moon, I’m just asking for “him” you know, the person that will be “it” for me. I can see him in my mind… I’m not always sure what he looks like, but I know exactly how he will treat me. It won’t be the big things, it never is. It’ll always be the small things “a call to say thanks” a “how was your day” “listening, even when he really doesn’t care” “he will show compassion for my students” “He will think my students are funny.” My students will tell me if he is “The One,” they can spot a fake from a room away. He will know, without having to be told, that the way to my heart will be through my students. He’ll know that the best way to propose will be using my students. I cannot imagine anything better! I know that some day, this will happen for me; some day I will find him. I’ve been praying to find him for 8 years now. I wonder if I offend God by having the same conversation so frequently? Oh where, oh where, is he?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

So I was completely gun-ho about this weight loss surgery thing (March 16). Then like I sometimes do, with big decisions, I talked myself out of it. I don't know why it happens, but it does. Then we went to a concert, and I packed my "non-average sized body" in that "average" sized seat, I was embarrassed and knew I had to make a CHANGE! Yet that was still not enough (yeah, i'm a little stubborn).
Sunday night I was laying in bed, thinking about all the reasons I wouldn't marry me.. and believe me, there are many.
1. I'm huge
2. I swear
3. I'm not the best Mormon? I can't recite all the BOM stories by heart.
4. I sometimes get mad, and I want to scream and fight like a CRAZY Lady!
5. I'm sarcastic and vicious sometimes... being rude even when I don't intend too.
6. I don't always want to be positive.

I think that is enough, don't you?
This is really personal; I don't love myself, not really, not all of me, i've never thought much about it, because I don't KNOW that it is possible... when I evaluate (which I avoid) I know that I love other people, I accept their faults, love them because of their imperfections, but I CANNOT love my own faults and short comings, and therefore don't expect others to love me.
As I get older and use "hindsight" I realize that this is the reason I put myself in harmful relationships. it is only when I know that they have bigger issues (like serious, slap you in the face issues). That is when i'm comfortable, i'm like "YES! they've got issues, they won't mind mine!"
At this point in my life, I don't feel like I deserve my "perfect" match. Whoever/whatever that is... but because I have higher expectations for myself then those "other boys," I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone (bitter and hateful:).
So, i'm making these changes to "fix" a thing or two I don't appreciate about myself.
The issue? And the reason I think I haven't been more gun-ho about the surgery? I'm worried that I'll hold it against EVERY SINGLE MAN that asks me out after I lose weight that they didn't want to date me before... even though I'm essentially the same person. I'm really not sure I'll be able to get over it! How will I know that they would love me even "LARGE."
I'm sure before this is all over I'll have many issues to get passed!
Here's to the future.... Cheers!