Tuesday, August 26, 2014


I thought I had written about a family event that happened last January, but I couldn't find the post. 

After much anticipation we were at the hospital waiting for Baby Chivers to arrive.


She had a typical pregnancy. With a couple small hiccups along the way (high blood pressure and a kydney infection.) 

We were there. In a hospital. Waiting. Doctors all around. 

Know what happened? Baby Weston was born without a heartbeat. Not one person can tell us why. After much work from the doctors he was back with us. 

He was life flighted to a childrens hospital, Primary Children's, and we were all full of hope. We were also fearful. This wasn't the first full term, healthy baby our family was threatened with losing. It was all too real.

At the end of Weston's short stay at Primary Children's we each came home carrying our own grief. 

Struggling to understand and cope with making funeral arrangememnts for a life so short. 

Wondering why. Trying to find comfort for ourselves and especially for my brother and his wife. 

Those small spirits bring so much love with them and they are loved even before we ever hold them. 

It was a new wave of grief for my older brother and his ex wife who also had a baby taken in circumstances very similar. Their grief was raw and real. 

This was all brought back to me today when a friend text to let me know that a dear friend of ours who had a due date for a little boy just a few weeks from now had went to the doctor because she hadn't felt her baby move in a little while. While there she found out that her baby had passed away.

I've been thinking about it since. Not quite in a panic, but fearful. Sad for her. Fearful for myself.

Love is such a risk. 

Today the weight of being pregnant and carrying the life of someone I love so much and have never met is overwhelming. 

Today it is heavy. 

baby steps

I went to the doctor yesterday for a baby check up.
Everything looks fine, except the weight gain. He brought it up, it brought me down.

I can't focus on the pounds right now. I'm focusing on being honest about what goes into my body and how I am feeling.

I will shed these pounds when the baby is here. I am sure of it. I can't live in this fat suit forever :)

Anyway, I let it get to me. So I ate. Chocolate. Cookies (which I purposely never keep in my house and someone brought me a plate... and Greg is gone for work.... so I ate them. The all of them.)  Ice cream. Chips. The list is pretty endless.

I'm up again today, fingers to the keyboard writing a blog. What can I say? Baby steps my friends.

Monday, August 25, 2014

When did you blog last?

My husband asked me last night "when did you blog last?"

It has been too freaking long and no good excuse.

My friend Rhonnie is being a badass and keeping the reins of her health and fitness tightly gripped. She wrote a blog post that I thought I specifically needed to read. She asked the question if my band had stopped working or if I had stopped working... read it HERE

I'm like a bunch of the ladies out there, struggling, thinking I failed, but you know what? I haven't.We haven't. It is just a bump in the road (a big one for me, but a bump however I look at it.)

One thing I want to be honest about, and I haven't said it to anyone else. I think I am struggling with pregnancy related depression. Now I don't think it is severe, but it is there and it is real.

Everything just seems like a bigger deal than it should. I obsess over the weirdest things and have the hardest time moving past the smallest set back... nothing like the normal me.

So I am 30 weeks pregnant today, I have a doctors appointment and I hope everything is good. Little Baby Meeks arrival is getting closer.

I've gained 38#'s and counting (though it has slowed down and I have been being more careful recently.) Sometimes all I can do physically is get through the day, even my beloved horse riding is becoming really uncomfortable and sometimes painful. So for me, right now, it is accountability for what goes in my mouth. Being honest about that. I will have to wait for my Dragon Warrior, Crossfit Status to be reinstated later.

Where are you in your fight with obesity and food addiction? I'm at the bottom, but I won't stay here for long. 40 weeks is really just a glitch in the system, not a permanent sign of where I will be.

I'll be blogging and commenting.