39 weeks

So, I'm finally 39 weeks pregnant.

It seems the time has flown and stood still. All at once.

I have spent the last few weeks scrambling to get everything finished at work and making sure that all the ends are tied up so that they can function without bothering me for the 8 weeks I will be gone.

I have held steady at 235 pounds for over a month now. That is up 46 pounds from the 189 I weighed when I got pregnant. I won't be dwelling on the fact that 189 was HIGH for what my maintenance weight was. Oh man, I swear I will love the 170's and my body like never before when I finally get back there.

I had a dream the other night that I ran 8 miles. It was so real. The burn in my lungs and the weight of my legs. I woke up sad that I had become such a sloth.

I will be a warrior again. It will just take time. I'm not going to allow obesity to become a part of my life again. I just can't.

38 plus weeks.

38 weeks.

Last year my sister and sister in law were pregnant. This year, my sister in law and myself are preggers. So stinking cute!

 

 

So, I think I'm pretty dang cute pregnant. I also think it is amazing what our bodies can do! Can you believe that cute belly is carrying a human? It is seriously is amazing.

 

I think I have learned to be comfortable in my body. To love myself no mater the size, but I will not stay this size. I can't. It is too hard on my joints. On my body. I found the freedom of my body being able to do anything I want it to do. Now that I have had  taste of it, I won't be content until there again.

The post about geting a van

First off has anyone talked to Hollee? I know she was revised to the sleeve last week and I talked to her after surgery and the next day or two, but now she seems to be off the grid.


I've been in denial for months about trading in my beloved Ford Fusion (beloved, mostly because she was paid for and I LOVE not having a car payment.) I've been telling myself that I could fit all three car seats and the dogs in that car. The logistics of it weren't really in my favor, but I figured where there is a will, there is a way.

Not so in this case. They just don't fit. The car seats, not even including the dogs. Bust seriously, who can leave home without having room to take their dogs if it is a dog appropriate trip. Which is almost anywhere, in my opinion.

So, I told my husband that we should just go ahead and get a van. I need something with good MPG but my heart just wasn't in it. You know? I think that is why it took me so long to finally just bite the bullet.

This was my alternative to a van....

not my car, just an example from the internet.

 

Not too shabby, in my opinion. I know it is a little unique, and not everyone's taste, but I have been in love with them since they first came out. They seat 7 and get 17-23 MPG. Basically a van without having to go there. Thank the heavens.

 

Now we are a car payment poorer, but at least I won't be stuck at home unable to leave when this baby gets here in 6 weeks. Can't be sad about that.

 

Haven't gained any weight in the last month and I am so grateful for that. No other band related news. Just chillin here in Gods Country!

 

How are you ladies doing?

How the heck?

How does the time go so quickly and yet seem to drag on?

I'm 33 weeks pregnant and counting. Everything seems to be going well, but since this is my first go of it, what the heck do I know?

I do know I haven't reached the point of being "ready" for the baby to get here. I'm just overwhelmed by that thought.

That's how I would describe being pregnant. Overwhelming.

I oftentimes lay awake at night for hours counting baby kicks. Stressing if I don't think I feel enough of them. Stressing if he is moving more than usual.

I stop so many times in the middle of the day and "check" on him.  I'm excited when he is here that I will be able to really check on him. At least then I will be up at night with baby cuddles and spit up instead of a panic and sinking feeling because I'm not sure I have felt him move enough. **I can now see why some women rush to the ER so frequently during pregnancy. ALL RATIONAL THOUGHT LEAVES. Ugh. **

This Friday is my baby shower. I am so excited to see my family and friends! I just cant think of  a better reason to get together than little baby items.

Then I need to finish organizing the baby room and then buy anything I am still lacking.

I also have anxiety about when to pack a hospital bag? I figure I'll just push that one off for a few more weeks.

What do I know?

I hope you ladies are doing well and that your scales are being kind and your jeans are fitting loose!

**hugs**

Prenatal Classes

In my opinion there are two types of pregnant ladies.

The first doesn't really complain about anything. Except maybe to her husband (oh, my poor husband.) Said husband on any given day may hear about every single pain associated with carrying a baby. I say it is just their part of pregnancy :)

The second complains about everything to everyone. Even to people who aren't really listening.

I'm telling you, it drives me crazy. They post it on Facebook, talk about it in prenatal classes. In fact many are so dramatic that a person would think that they were the first to ever be pregnant. These women are convinced that they are having the most horrible pregnancy in the history of pregnant women.

I don't feel like I am exaggerating.

The second type of these women are frustrating to me, but really any constant complainer is. Some things just need to be share with your close friends and family. The rest of us know pregnancy sucks and don't really need you to go into deep details about your round ligament pain.

There was a type 2 and my first prenatal class. She was all about the I've been to the emergency room this many times.... I'm high risk because of.... The list was freaking endless. It was obnoxious. She was "One of those" who ask the same question 89 times because she wants the instructor to answer it a different way, or wants the class to know how pregnancy smart she is. Well we've all got Google Crazy lady and lots of random pregnancy facts floating around our heads, because HELLO, we are all pregnant.

I'm pretty sure she was all of 18 years old, if that. So I will try not to poke her in they eye during the next 5 classes.

The other things was, I went to the class by myself. You see, Greg loves his sports. Especially playing them and this class is on (one) of his softball nights. So I insisted that I wanted him to go to softball and I would go to the class.

I was sorry I had done that when I got there.

Anyone else ever wear their tough girl pants and then are sorry for it later? It doesn't happen to me very often, most of the time I know my own mind and know what I want/need from Greg and I am pretty upfront about. I misjudged on this one...

Babies

I thought I had written about a family event that happened last January, but I couldn't find the post. 

After much anticipation we were at the hospital waiting for Baby Chivers to arrive.

Weston. 

She had a typical pregnancy. With a couple small hiccups along the way (high blood pressure and a kydney infection.) 

We were there. In a hospital. Waiting. Doctors all around. 

Know what happened? Baby Weston was born without a heartbeat. Not one person can tell us why. After much work from the doctors he was back with us. 

He was life flighted to a childrens hospital, Primary Children's, and we were all full of hope. We were also fearful. This wasn't the first full term, healthy baby our family was threatened with losing. It was all too real.

At the end of Weston's short stay at Primary Children's we each came home carrying our own grief. 

Struggling to understand and cope with making funeral arrangememnts for a life so short. 

Wondering why. Trying to find comfort for ourselves and especially for my brother and his wife. 

Those small spirits bring so much love with them and they are loved even before we ever hold them. 

It was a new wave of grief for my older brother and his ex wife who also had a baby taken in circumstances very similar. Their grief was raw and real. 

This was all brought back to me today when a friend text to let me know that a dear friend of ours who had a due date for a little boy just a few weeks from now had went to the doctor because she hadn't felt her baby move in a little while. While there she found out that her baby had passed away.

I've been thinking about it since. Not quite in a panic, but fearful. Sad for her. Fearful for myself.

Love is such a risk. 

Today the weight of being pregnant and carrying the life of someone I love so much and have never met is overwhelming. 

Today it is heavy. 

baby steps

I went to the doctor yesterday for a baby check up.
Everything looks fine, except the weight gain. He brought it up, it brought me down.

I can't focus on the pounds right now. I'm focusing on being honest about what goes into my body and how I am feeling.

I will shed these pounds when the baby is here. I am sure of it. I can't live in this fat suit forever :)

Anyway, I let it get to me. So I ate. Chocolate. Cookies (which I purposely never keep in my house and someone brought me a plate... and Greg is gone for work.... so I ate them. The all of them.)  Ice cream. Chips. The list is pretty endless.

I'm up again today, fingers to the keyboard writing a blog. What can I say? Baby steps my friends.

When did you blog last?

My husband asked me last night "when did you blog last?"

It has been too freaking long and no good excuse.

My friend Rhonnie is being a badass and keeping the reins of her health and fitness tightly gripped. She wrote a blog post that I thought I specifically needed to read. She asked the question if my band had stopped working or if I had stopped working... read it HERE

I'm like a bunch of the ladies out there, struggling, thinking I failed, but you know what? I haven't.We haven't. It is just a bump in the road (a big one for me, but a bump however I look at it.)

One thing I want to be honest about, and I haven't said it to anyone else. I think I am struggling with pregnancy related depression. Now I don't think it is severe, but it is there and it is real.

Everything just seems like a bigger deal than it should. I obsess over the weirdest things and have the hardest time moving past the smallest set back... nothing like the normal me.

So I am 30 weeks pregnant today, I have a doctors appointment and I hope everything is good. Little Baby Meeks arrival is getting closer.

I've gained 38#'s and counting (though it has slowed down and I have been being more careful recently.) Sometimes all I can do physically is get through the day, even my beloved horse riding is becoming really uncomfortable and sometimes painful. So for me, right now, it is accountability for what goes in my mouth. Being honest about that. I will have to wait for my Dragon Warrior, Crossfit Status to be reinstated later.

Where are you in your fight with obesity and food addiction? I'm at the bottom, but I won't stay here for long. 40 weeks is really just a glitch in the system, not a permanent sign of where I will be.

I'll be blogging and commenting.

My husband shows his love by leaving me.

Since I've got nothing weightloss wise to share with anyone, I think I'll write a blog of another flavor.
All you lapbanders that are looking for running/crossfit/dragon warrior inspiration, just keep moving.

This one is about husbands. Husbands that leave their wives and kids.

Anyone who knows me very well at all, knows that I have a pretty healthy respect for my husbands ex-wife (for the purpose of this blog I will call her L.) I think L is doing a great job raising the kids (she is the primary care giver, they live 3 hours from us.) I also think she does a great job at putting the kids needs first and she has NEVER, I repeat NEVER tried to make it even more difficult for us to see the kids and whatever issuses her and my husband have, they leave the kids out of it.

In fact, I have been known to say that it is probably the best it can be, for what it is. Now don't go all crazy on me and think "nothing can be that perfect." It isn't perfect. It is just good and all 4 adults in the situation do what they can for the kids and try and leave their personal feelings out of it.... or at least not bring it up in front of the kids.

Have you read or seen some of the crazy nut jobs that call DCFS and/or the cops on each other all the time or talk bad about the other parent(s) in front of the kids? I have. So with that knowledge, I think we all have it pretty good.

NOW FOR THE POINT OF MY POST.

My husband works in the oilfield. If you don't know what that means, mostly it means decent money (that is dangerously unstable) and crazy hours with no set schedule. Even days off turn into work days and phone call days. It is just the nature of the beast.

Now oilfield worker is no different than rancher, farmer, doctor, lawyer and I'm sure the list goes on.

This is a post for all the husbands and wives out there that don't have a 9-5.

A revelation came a few weeks ago to me when I took the kids back to their mom, without Greg. You see, he had planned to go with me and we were going to leave at 5 when he "typically" gets off work. I told him earlier in the day to just let me know if he thought he would be late and I would go without him.  Typical day.

Well he called about 10:30 and said there was no way he would be able to go at 5, and since I would rather not travel all night, I decided to just go without him. Which is no big deal to me and doesn't bother their mom. So off we went.

We arrived almost the exact time that L got home from work and we were visiting like we always do. About the kids, and anything that came up while they were in either home. Well she said "I thought Greg was coming with you?" My reply was "he was, but then his schedule changed." She said "That sounds like Greg."

This is the moment that I had an Ah-ha moment (you know, like Oprah.)

That line "That sounds like Greg" stuck with me, kinda bugged me, ya know? So I pondered it. Like I do everything and this is the conclusion I came to.

She doesn't understand.

I can only speak for myself, for my situation and my husband. This is my perspective.

Oilfield worker, rancher, farmer, garbage man, lawyer, doctor... they are all the same. Maybe more than even they known. Maybe it is all men and women who go to work when they don't want to. When they know they will miss first steps, busted lips, hugs of comfort, funny things their children say, holidays and family gatherings. The list is endless.

In my case, Greg doesn't want to be gone. He doesn't want to miss the time we do get with the kids, or time with Baby Meeks when he gets here. He doesn't want to miss time with me.

Know what else probably isn't in his plan? Missing birthdays, answering phone calls during the only dinner we've eaten together in a week. Sending the text that ends the only date we have scheduled in months before it ever started. Working out of town and living out of a suitcase. Sometimes sharing a room with some guy he doesn't know, or even want to know. Washing his own laundry at a laudromat, after an 18 hour day, because his 4 day trip actually turned into 10.

His plan probably doesn't include comforting his wife about a bad day over the phone, or saying goodnight to his kids via FaceTime for what seems like the 100th time. No kisses, no "I want Papa to do it." He is missing out. He is missing them and us. What about his heartache?

He is not just missing out on kid stuff. He misses fireworks, rodeos, picnics, the news. He has to say no to golf games, leave softball games before they have even started. He misses out on some things that have nothing to do with being a dad or husband and everything to do with being a happy human.

His plans get interupted just as often as ours and yet we still get to be there and he has to leave. How are we getting the short end of the stick? I don't understand how someone can see it that way.

He is critizied for looking at his phone when his kids are around, leaving parties early, letting his teammates down.

Now in my case, Greg is a good husband and a great dad. So please no posts about your son in law, or ex husband or whoever that spent all of his time avoiding his kids, his responsibilty. Or when he was out of town or off work spending every night at the bar or the strip club. That isn't my Greg, it isn't the caliber of man I am writing about. Greg doesn't spend his time avoiding his family nor making excuses to be somewhere else. When I call and he doesn't answer, I know it isn't on purpose. When I don't get a text back for hours, I know he is busy.  Maybe he is out of service. Most likely he is in a situation that requires all of his concentration to stay safe and to do his part to help keep those around him safe. Greg isn't avoiding me, his family, he loves us. He proves it in how hard he works everyday.

He shows his love by leaving in the middle of the party with a smile on his face. Volunteering to skip a golf game (even though he hasn't played in weeks) because I just want him to come home. He shows his love for me by leaving me. By leaving his kids and going to work.  He shows his love by putting his wants and needs second.

The way I was raised groomed me to be an oilflied wife. My dad is a rancher and a business owner. He missed horse shows, school stuff... We always joke that he didn't even know what grade we were in, how old we were or which school to pick us up at. The truth? He didn't. The other truth? I have always known how much he loves his family. He shows us by leaving us. By providing for us. We may not of had a dad at the horse show, but how do you think we got there? His truck. Who paid the entry fees? he did. When we needed him, truly needed him, for the important things, he was there. He is still there.

Just like Greg and a bunch of other husbands and dads out there.

So please, please, please, don't confuse the "That sounds like Greg"  like some do, for what it truly is, "that sounds like the job."

Give the hardworking men of our lives credit for what they are really doing. Putting our needs, the needs of their families, ahead of their own needs and their own wants.

Give them credit for leaving us.

I have a monkey on my back

Soda. Soda pop. Pop.

My biggest achilles heel.

Remember all those years ago when I posted about my last ever soda and how I would never, ever, ever touch one again?

I held to that promise for so long.

I remember when the scale going down each week was all I needed to get up and go for a run, put down the cookie, say no thanks to the birthday cake. I avoided bread because I knew it wasn't band friendly.

I've talked about it before, but at my one year bandiversary and at 164 pounds a few people I really trust and love told me to stop obsessing, to give my body a break. "You've lost so much weight, so fast" they said. So I did. I took a step back and without even recognizing it, I went into my maintaince mode. Staying between 170-180 pounds for almost 18 months.

I developed maintance habits.

**I don't blame those people, I just wish I had known what a change in mindset at that point would do to me.**

Then what?

I fell in love with Gregy.

That happiness gave me something that I hadn't had in a long time, maybe ever. I found peace and comfort in myself. He helped me to realize that someone could love me, just for me.

Along with that happiness came a drop in the obsessive behaviors that had kept me from gaining weight for so long, but we were so active together and always going. And Gregy isn't a foodie. He doesn't even care about food - he forgets to eat? I am so envious of this.

The morning of our wedding, Novemember 2, I weighed 174 pounds. Completely in my comfort zone.

By Christmas I weighed 187 pounds. I had to buy a few new pants and shirts to get my by until I dropped those pounds. I was only looking at 10-14 pounds and so I wasn't too stressed. Easy peasy. Just a typical winter gain for me.

The end of Februray I was pregnant (so HAPPILY) but my band hated those initial pregancy hormones. I had to go to my Lap Band Lady- Amy and we made the decision to remove 1.0 cc from the fickle hooker that is my band.

By my 6 week check up I'd gained 10 pounds, taking me to 197 pounds. At this point, something clicked and I realized it was only going to get worse. How could it not, I am growing a human.

Today, at 24 weeks pregnant I weigh 217 pounds. The anxiety I have had over this entire situatuion has been sky high and the approach I have taken has been to "worry about it later."

My eating hasn't been perfect, but it hasn't been out of control either.

I think if I am being honest with myself I have two major issues.

1- I haven't been exercising at all. Not one bit. I can feel it. In my muscles, in my breathing, in my soul. The laziness of it all is overwhelming me. Eating at me. I can't decide if I don't have energy to get moving because I am  pregnant, or because during that first trimester I stopped doing all extra anything (during that time, I really couldn't do anything extra.)

2- My soda habit is back. Every. Single. Day. I pop the top on some sugary,bubbly, soda. It came back full force during the first trimester because I was falling asleep while instructing students and I was trying to function. (I know that there are all sorts of rules about what should/shouldn't be consumed during pregnancy, I've read them all and I am doing the best with the knowledge I havea and the knowledge of my doctor... I think we will all survive my Sunkist addiciton.) We may survive, but it isn't doing any favors on the scale.

I saw a picture of myself while moving cows on saturday. I died inside just a little bit. I do everytime I get on the scale or see a picture.

Me, in the pink.... Sad face. 

I know I'm growing a small human- I know it is a miracle.

I just don't know how to balance it. How to make it right. I also don't know what life after a baby will look like. How to put it into my head, how to organize how I will lose weight after the baby is here?

Maybe it is the unknown that is getting to me?

My Lap Band/Baby Doctor Amy told me she knows I have the willpower and strength to take care of it after the baby is here.

I think she is right...

I know she is right... Where the hell is my Dargon Warrior? I think the pregnancy hormomes have made her sleepy too.

but how do I do a bit of damage contorl between now and Novemeber 3rd?

Looking kinda pregnant and cute.
24weeks

I guess what I am saying friends is that I know I can do it. I know I will do it.... I also know the hard work and the time it will take. 

First things first.... get that monkey off my back.

Don't look at old pictures....

So i'm officially 21 weeks pregnant.

I weigh 212. I've kinda just accepted it.

The one thing it has taught me, is to be much happier with myself when I am in the place again where I weigh 170. I felt good then. I like how my body felt when I moved.

I will be content when I am there. I will stop thinking I'll be happy when I weigh 150.

Bless a little baby for helping me to see the light.

Me when I weighed 175-177 and couldnt wait to get back to 167.  Now I think I look so skinny.

Seriously, this chick is adorable. 

I needed a serious reality check.

So, on to more baby news.

Wanna know the latest that has had me stressed out? Ok, ok, the truth. I have been stressed about it since Greg and I decided to have a baby. 

Telling our babies other Mom that we are expecting. 

I think I should write and entire post about Me and the Other Mom that is in my life. 

I will, the Great, Good, Bad and Ugly. 

A picture of me from a week or two ago. :) Who is this chunky girl in the mirror.  I really don't think I look pregnant, in my eyes I just look chunky. 

Sorry about the goofy face... I do what I can :) 

19 weeks preggo and finally....

Finding my mojo.

Seriously, I had to find my new norm.

What it is like for ME to be pregnant.

You wanna know what? It is the strangest thing ever.

I don't feel like myself. I don't have energy for much of anything. My house is kinda clean, but I am just getting by.

I'll get up and go like heck for a couple of hours and then I just have to take a break.

I'm learning to be kind to myself and to just take a break when I need it.

I am functioning, but it isn't at the level that it has been previously.

I always thought that when I was pregnant if I was lucky enough to escape the dreaded morning sickness, that I would be golden.

You know what? I had a bit of morning sickness but that hasn't been the biggest issue.

I just don't feel right. Like myself.

Even my brain doesn't work right. The biggest issue has been when I am riding a horse and working cattle. I just can't figure out exactly what I am supposed to be doing, or how to get out of the way.

I'm not saying I don't know how to saddle the horse, or get on. I just saying that my natural talents and abilities seem to be muted. We were working in the corral the other day and I dang near got ran over because I couldn't read the crazy one horn cow that was going ape-shit crazy.

I'm going to go ahead and admit, I don't like being pregnant.

One thing I finally did for my own sanity was pack up all my clothes that don't fit. An entire tote full and put them away.

The second thing is some real life maternity clothes. IT CHANGED EVERYTHING. At least I don't feel like a frump and like a fatty that nothing fits. I kinda look pregnant and I feel better about myself.

One thing I do know, I can't wait to get back to running and crosffit. I miss being fit and "skinny" just feeling great about myself.

Size 9/10 and 11/12 jeans and a large shirt and become my new norm. Being physically active had become something I just did and enjoyed. I'll get back there because I got a taste of it and I like it.

Right now it just isn't a reality.

This morning 209. It is what it is and I'm going to keep weighing in just to keep myself in check and so that it isn't such a mental shock when I get to "the end."

I'll be posting pictures of the furniture I have painted! It looks great and is all coming together.

Boy or Girl?

Well.... we know the answer. For sure know the answer :)

Baby Meeks will be joining our faminly the begning of November and we are so excited to announce that it is a...


HE!!!! 

So, I am so excited to officially start on the nursery. There are a few reasons why I have been waiting. None of them having to do with only doing "boy" or "girl" colors.

The colors were going to be kinda nuteral no matter what. I just needed to be able to invision who would be in there.

And... The room didn't have carpet until today.

So really, it was mostly the carpet.

So I have a crib that I bought second hand and I purchased my first jar of chalkpaint today. The walls of the room are a very light blue, almost robin egg. The crib will be.... wait for it....

Barcelona Orange. Wanna see a sample? I knew it.

Won't that color be just fantastic?! 

I also have a stand and a dresser that I am going to use a dark gray on, maybe some orange accent pieces. I'll take some pictures. 

Guess What

I'm 18 weeks pregnant.

I just turned 27 yesterday.

I have been banded for 3 years.

Hows that for some news?

Last year at this time I was a crossfitting Bad A and I weighed 174 ish.

Now? I weigh 207.

I am finally seeing myself. I am not huge. I am bigger. I need to be serious when this baby pops out about running and eating well. Get my weight back down.

Lesson learned, I will appreciate 174 when I see it again. I refuse to beat myself up the rest of all time because I want to weigh 150.

I am having my first ultrasound tomorrow and hope to see Baby Meeks boy/girl parts. Can't wait to know what the gender is! I have butterflys and probably won't sleep tonight.

16 weeks pregnant

Where has the time gone?

I had my 16 week check up today and everything looks good. I got to hear the heartbeat again and something different.

It was the pitter patter of little baby Meeks moving around in there. It was seriously amazing and made me realize just how serious of a miracle this is.

I did have to weigh in… I’m telling you my scale said 205 this morning and the doctors read 210.

I cried. Big tears. Squint your eyes and die tears. I just couldn’t believe it.

I know the first problem was that I haven’t been exercising. I just don’t have the “get up and go” when I get home.

Second, I am drinking too many calories.

Third, I need a bit of fluid in my band.

So I had .4 added today. Taking me back to what I was pre-pregnancy.  I had been at that number for some time and felt comfortable there.  It seems to be great today as well.

I have also committed to only drinking water.  That is taking care of two of the three. So that is my baby step for now.

On a better note, I went horse riding on Saturday. I was a little nervous because the last time I rode the muscles in my stomach or SOMETHING made me ache. I felt horrible.

Saturday was a much better experience. I enjoyed the day with my parents and Greg. It was kinda cool for it to just be the 4 of us because that rarely happens.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST

THIS IS THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL BEFORE SUMMER VACATION! ONLY 4 MORE DAYS! YAHOOOO!

I'm just sitting over here

Feeling like an elephant.

Maybe a pregnant elephant, but an elephant.

My pants are tight, my skin feels tight.

I don't feel pregnant, I just feel fat.

And I think I am depressed. Or hormonal. Or maybe both?

I know I need to walk/bike something to help me feel better but I just can't seem to make myself do it.

I am at a loss, but not on the scale.

203.8 this morning. Yep. That is a pretty big pill for me to swallow.

Gulp

However many things Tuesday

1. I have always used the same brand of razor as my Dad. First because I don't know why the blades designed for men seem to be so much nicer (in my opinion.) Seriously though, we are shaving way more acreage. The second reason is because my Mom buys the blade replacements in bulk at a chain store... So I have never had to buy a refill. Literally. I haven't lived at home in years and I still stop buy and shop at "Mom Mart." She keeps everything in stock. It is a tradition that I started in college and it was so genius I just never stopped.

2. I am considering a pretty big change in my life so I could use all the positive thoughts I could get so I make the right decision.

3. I love Greg. #1 reason- he is so kind to me.

4. Sometime being a step-mom feels like being a nanny. Or a really good babysitter. The babies are staying with us for their longest time yet (10 days.) I love having them here, but it is a huge adjustment in routine and unlike when they are with their mom, we don't have established day care. So it isn't always a good routine. And lets face it, I'm not their mom and they are little. Sometimes that is all they want.

5. I'm not eating the best food and I haven't been exercising... at all. So there is that.

6. I've been fighting a cold and sore throat for almost 2 weeks now and I am telling you, I miss my OTC meds... and a 5 hour energy shot.

7.  I am 13 weeks. What?! How did this happen? Not so sure. I've been buying a lot of stuff second hand that is like new and women just don't want. I love it. I can have all the extra stuff I want without wondering how I will find the money. So I have been having a hay day- washing- sanitizing and day dreaming.... and also being scared to death. Lets be honest.

A picture from our first couple days playing cowboy.

My sissy... in the pouring rain with her donkey refusing to walk because he was afraid of the puddles. It was so stinking funny.

It is a lot of work being a cowgirl...

I have always and will always believe it is more work being a cowgirl than it is to be a cowboy...

Now I have never been a cowboy, but I am telling you a few things I know for fact.

Fact #1: Cowboys don't have to wear 2 sports bras while riding for 10 hours to keep their nipples from rubbing raw, or to keep their boobs from blacking an eye.
           Cowgirl? This is a reality. Though I try not to complain. Being kickass is just a lot of work.

Fact #2: They never have to figure out how to carry a tampon with them. Now, I have thought of everything. I have put them in a plastic bag in the saddle bags- all that jarring causes them to come out of their applicator (just a reality.) So I have resorted to carrying them gently placed between the two layers of sports bras. It is the best option, trust me. Don't even get me started on the options of "what to do with the damn thing after..." while in the middle of no where.

Fact #3: They don't have to ride a horse while pregnant. Now I am telling you, this is the hardest one yet. It has been YEARS since I got butterfly's while stepping on to a horse, because, I am just a pretty dang good rider and a few little scrapes and bruises never did any harm. Don't get me wrong, I don't like to hit the ground, but it just happens. Well when I am carrying a little bean in my belly... it adds a level of worry to everything I do. It all worked out in the end but I'm telling you, being a cowgirl is hard work.

Though, I have always wondered where men keep their junk to keep it from getting slapped against the seat of the saddle? I've been told that it does occasionally happen, and I think it is just the Universe's way of keeping things a little bit fair.

I gave my husband a saddle I won in 2004 for being a rodeo queen. Yes- it says "rodeo queen" on it and makes me smile.

This is the horse I rode Saturday. His name is Keno- and he isn't my favorite. The things we do for husbands.

This is my sissy and best friend. She was pregnant all last "cow" season and didn't bitch half as much as me.

This is my Baby J. I am crazy in love with him. He love all things farm and isn't afraid of ANY animal.

WIW

 

Weight is holding steady at 199 I’m both impressed and depressed by this.

I gained 10 pounds in the first 8 weeks (which is really only 6 weeks-crazy ass professionals.)

                                ** I found my stash of size 7/8 pants I had hid in the upstairs closet and almost died. When I can wear them again, I will be kinder to myself. More forgiving that my weight is 165 instead of 145.

Since then (almost 4 weeks later) I haven’t gained at all and my clothes seem to fit better? Who knows?

Anyway, I’m trying to be realistic about where I am and my main goal of having a healthy baby, but I sure as heck to don’t want to be back where I started almost 3 years ago either.

I caught myself out of breath at the top of the stairs the other day, I wasn’t very pleased with that and cried just a bit.

Tomorrow is the beginning of spring break in my school district, and even though it is only 4 days (including the weekend) it is sure as heck better than no break.

I will be horse riding and laying cowgirl and branding a few calves... this is the life.

I'll bring back some pictures. :) Hopefully!

How I knew I was pregnant

So remember the TTT post I wrote about maybe just stopping birth control?

Not a joke. Aren't I tricky?!

We did expect it to take a couple of months.... but, you know, tell God your plans.

I sure hope I can do a good job of relaying what being pregnant is like for me and especially with the lap band. Really, I don't have a choice though... I have a lap band. How will I know how pregnancy would differ if I didn't. This is my life.

Cool thing (CT) #1- my Lap Band Lady *Amy* also does OB, except the delivery. And the doctor that does the deliveries for her is the guy that delivered most of my nieces and nephews, so it was an easy pick for me.

How cool is that? Someone who is familiar with my band and going to be there through pregnancy? I am stoked.

CT #2- my band doesn't like pregnancy hormones. So I had some fluid removed, .2. I knew then that I was pregnant, because I pay very close attention to what is affecting my band so I can plan for it as best as possible (i.e. weather, stress, etc.) None of those things were out of the ordinary.
And, my chin looked like a 12 year old boys... also not normal.

Do you think the band has taught us to really pay attention to our bodies? I know mine has made  me more aware.

CT #3- as the hormones increased... my band got tight again. No water, no good. So back to see LBL Amy. She really is too good for me. By this point I had confirmed pregnancy with an at home test. So I scheduled my first OB appt with her as well. *Happy Dance.*

We removed a full CC. I was afraid.

I go back at 8 weeks... Which I assume will be before I post this.

Not So CT #1- switching mindsets from calorie deficit, or lose weight mind set to just be healthy. Sometimes when my band would get tight I would live on apple juice and some protein shake for a few days and never think twice about it. This little baby growing inside me has me in a bit of a different mindset. I do kinda feel lost.

Not So CT #2- it has kind of turned me off of crossfit for the time being. Now my doctor said that CF was fine while pregnant, just to listen to my body and to take it easy with the weights especially.

But guess what?
The only thing I am really good at with CF is lifting heavy shit. The rest of it I am pretty terrible at, but I can lift and lift heavy so I go and do the rest so I can lift.

So It is like taking the one thing I am good at away.
My mental block on this is terrible.

Not So CT #3- I feel lost with my diet because I can't be so restrictive... This is weird to me. When did "being good" turn into something so strange?

Not SO CT #4- lap band truth *constipation.* Pregnancy truth *constipation.* Not good ladies. Not good.

Lap band pregnancy fact- I didn't immediately have a complete unfill. Which I never thought I would, but then a banded friend of mine asked about it. So there you go. For me, no complete unfill. Just a band that has less restriction than it has had in at least a year. It is weird.

I am so happy/excited/grateful to be pregnant, don't ever think I don't know what a blessing this is, but I am full of constant worry that I will 7 months from now, be back to where I was pre-band. That keeps me up at night.

This will be a learning process that I hope all of you will come along for.

Can we clear something up?

No matter what I write on this blog, or what I complain about as far as pregnancy goes, I know this is a miracle. Who grows a human? It is basically a super power. That doesn't mean that I won't be scared shitless nervous, have a few complaints, or a few selfish worries... like weight gain. It is hard to lose weight.

That being said...

I am terrified.

Of being a full time mom and all that business.

I am also terrified of being back where I was weight wise before I had my lapband. It seems like with just the smidgen of an unfil that I had, I am able to eat way too much and I put on about 10 pounds in what felt like overnight.

It is easy to perdict this will be a learning curve.

I got some of the fluid put back in and I seem to be maintaining at this point ** Thank heaven.**

Seriously though, my weight is flirting with starting with a 2 again. Making me terrified of what damage I can do in the next 30 weeks.

Number one, I am used to being active. Moving, even if it isn't formal exercise. I knew before the test would pick up that I was pregnant because my energy had just left me. When I get done working, I want to go home and sit. That is all.

That eased up a bit around week 6 and if today is the new norm, I will be feeling good enough to get back to some of my regular activities.

Oh no, I am going to be one of those ladies who blog all about her pregnancy symptoms. :)
Get some greek yogurt and pull up a chair. This is going to be a great time! hahaha

Pregnant with the lap band

Why is it that no one blogs about being banded and pregnant?

Or am I just missing something?

I’ve looked quite a bit, and I can see those that announced they were pregnant and then what they were having, but what about being pregnant after WLS? You know, the nitty gritty details we all love.

I sure wish someone had, because….

I’m pregnant and well, you know... I have a lapband.

I’m going to try and blog for the duration. So far it has been a crazy learning curve, a 15 pound learning curve.

Cheers to new territory.

So guess what I found today?

Some energy.

I may actually do the laundry.

For real though, my husband has basically been doing all of the laundry and a bunch of other duties. He is a good fella.

Weighed in at 197, um yeah, I weighed 177 at my wedding in November… let’s not talk about it.

I have maintained for 3 weeks though, so

Good news, I finally care. Yep. Sometimes my give- a -damn is the hardest thing to find.

4 days ago, I quit the crack juice (aka Dr. Pepper.) It is so hard for me to kick and I truly can’t have even one or I have to go through the withdrawal process again.

No fun… so my plan, if I want to have something bubbly is to have a Sprite or drink lemonade. Something that doesn’t have caffeine and won’t make me crave it every day.

When I quit drinking it my head aches and my body feels like it is just getting over the flu.

So, I’m pretty proud of myself.

That with a combination of a little bit of a fill will put me in a good spot.

I’ll make an appointment soon.

The birthday party with all the "parents" worked great. I shouldn't stress. It isn't like we have to talk about religion or sex... you know, the things I talk about with my friends.

Truthfully, I was most worried about dinner because I didn't know what we would talk about there. I wasn't worried about the museum because the kids would be playing and we would be keeping track of them.

So guess what? I asked the Universe to please somehow cancel dinner without it being my "idea." Well, for some reason "she" just didn't want to do dinner after the museum. FINE BY ME!

So it was awesome. Greg and I grabbed some food afterwards and then headed home :) Oh happy days.

 

 

TTT

1.       We won’t talk about my weight. We just wont.

2.       I do feel better about myself than I have in a month. So that is something. My pants seem to fit “ok-ish” so that is something too.

3.       Lookie there. Two somethings.

4.       It is spring time here in ranchville. We have baby calves everywhere.

5.       My mom is a good ranching wife- this is a calf that got to cold, so she brought him in her house. And that is my cute baby looking at him and saying “nice cow.” It was adorable.

 

6.       My babies will be here tonight. I’m taking tomorrow off because my mom isn’t available to babysit because she has other commitments. Which I’m secretly glad about because he morning routine of getting two kids somewhere before 7:30 is a little hard on me, mostly because I have only done it 8 times. There is a reason most of the time we only get one baby at a time. J

 

7.       It is baby J’s birthday this weekend. We are having a birthday with my family on Sunday. I am making a fish cake that has a possibility of being epic. Rather it will be a success or failure, well that is the question. I’ll post a picture. One way or the other.

 

8.       Sunday we are having a little party (i.e. trip to the childrens museum and dinner) with The Babies Mom, her husband, Gregy and I and the kiddos.

 

a.       The purpose is to promote the feeling that we are all a family.

                                                               i.      I think the idea is perfect and a great way to set the kids up for success and help them to realize we are all in this together.

1.       I am crazy nervous about the whole ordeal and would really just “rather not.” But I will. Maybe I even want to. I am just afraid.

 

9.       I need a new outfit for #8.  Don’t you think? My theory is anything that gives you butterflies, or makes you nervous, or really changes your “feeling pattern” from the norm means a girl NEEDS a new outfit. Shoes included.

10.   Getting a lil fill in the ol’ lapband on Tuesday. Can’t come soon enough.

The post about me being stupid

So guess what?

I got 1CC removed from my band.

I was trying to be proactive because of a few things in my life, my band kept getting tight and I wasn't sure it was going to get better in the near future.

Well, that was two weeks ago.

And like 8 pounds.

And I realized tonight I was eating too much. Waiting for the satisfied feeling the band gives me. Which it still did, just on a much larger amount.

Dang it, I am so dense.

I'm gonnna try and do some damage control until my appoointment, 2 weeks from now.


At least I know what I need to do now, and will focus more on portions.

Oh ladies

I wish that I could write something about something.

You know.

Like how I ran my fastest half marathon. Or fastest 5k.

Or how I PR'd my back squat.

Or hit a new low.

Instead I'm just over here with my pants getting tighter and I'm more tired than I have ever been.

Think that is from the weight gain?

Oy.

I gotta pull it together, but I'm not. I'm just talking about it. Thinking about it.

I have been clicking on the ticker every week and putting it in there. Being honest. That is it.

I'm not giving up.

Ok- it feels like I am giving up.

 Keep blogging ladies. Keep inspiring. I'm right behind you.

The weather

The weather here is like Spring.
Spring in February. It just doesn't happen in frozen over Utah.

Yes I am talking about the weather... I 'm trying to distract you from the fact that I haven't posted anything weight related in a good month.

Why? Well, as always, the reason isn't because I hit goal weight and no longer obsess about food or exercise. I just do it.

Nope.

Not it.

I'm struggling at 187.

Struggling to find balance.

Find reason.

Find something that works for me...

Shit balls, struggling to get back to even the 170's and the 160's is a pipe dream.

I feel like a failure because I bailed on yet ANOTHER 1/2 marathon.

And I just can't seem to get in my groove with crossfit.

Somebody, please, please, please kick me in the butt. I am struggling.

I. Am. Struggling, but i'm not quitting.

Momma said there'd

Be days like this...

So Sunday. Oh Sunday. It was one of those days.

It started with Greg getting up with the babies so I could sleep in. He is a nice boy.
Then he got called to work.
And the babies and I did our thing.

Then something crazy happened.

The kids went wild and all the ABA training in the World couldn't have saved me.

Kids throwing a tantrum at school? For hours? Not a problem. I've got nerves of steel and can ignore just about anything while keeping them safe.

Two babies who have my heart, fight over a stool because one insists they need it so they can poop? That ends in them having a wrestling match? Well it is just down hill from there.

So we eat lunch (well I fix them lunch 50% of the herd refused to eat), 12 rolls around, 12:30... 1:15. (Naps are at 12:30/1:00) so at this point I am putting on a dog and pony show complete with balloon animals to keep them from falling asleep before their Papa gets home with the truck and trailer we borrowed so we could take the kids home and empty the storage unit he has had forever.

He rolls up about 1:40 and the kids aren't sleeping, but it isn't pretty (actually I think I text him "I've changed my mind about more kids." It wasn't a joke at the time.)

We get headed down the road and I am a ball of grouch. Greg just rolls with the tide.

Kids sleep for 10 minutes (ok maybe 60, but I NEEDED longer.)

We take the kids to their new house and see their new bedrooms (too cute.) Then I run out of there like my tail is on fire.

I know from my experience at school kids can SMELL fear. And believe me, I was afraid.

So we buzz over to the storage unit.

Get out.

Greg tries every key on his key ring.

Double checks the locker unit number.

Tries them again.

DOESN'T work. Nope. Notta.

I get back in the truck.

Silent (because that is helpful.)

We just sit there together for at least five minutes before he breaks the silence.

Quick trip to Home Depot and we are back in buisness.

So yes we borrowed a truck, trailer, delayed kids naps while Greg got done working and rounded it up (endangering my mental health) and then drove 3 hours with no keys.

My only regret? That I thought I was mad? That is funny as heck... I shoulda laughed then, not a few hours later.

TTT

1. The scale is a bitch.

2. Work has been really hard on me the last two weeks. I need to find my happy place again. I really do love my job... so I don't know what it is? I think I hate conflict and managing people?

3. I say "bitches be like" way too often.

4. I freaking hate burpees. I will never do an extra one, ever.

5. I think my birth control is making me crazy on the inside. I have never been like this before and I find myself in tears all too often.

6. Does number 5 mean I shoul just have a  baby or go back to the doctor? ;)

7. Number 6 is a joke. Mostly.

8. We are 3/4 of the way finshed with the basement. We are about to go from a 2 bedroom house to a 4 bedroom! Makes me so happy.

9. I am going to crossfit 4 days a week for a month even if it kills me. Which it won't, but I will wish it did.

10. The scale is a bitch.

Something new

I did something I’ve never done before.

I jumped off “the healthy wagon.”

I am proud of myself for it.

Well not the jumping part... and lets me honest, I've done that before.

I went 4 weeks with no sugar. Then had a really “bad day.” I ate some ice cream and some other stuff.

It was triggered by a really crappy band day (that hooker was zipped tight.) So I talked to my Dad about our bet and was allowed a small reprieve to help soothe the Lady. 

I know I should have reached for a protein shake, but know what? I haven’t been able to find one that doesn’t have artificial sweeteners in it, and honestly my allergy to them is getting worse. Last time I drank a protein shake it made me feel worse than I have ever felt before.  So I am working on that.

Anyway, that isn’t the BIG DEAL.

The big deal is, I didn’t let it flow over into today. I contained the mess to yesterday and today I am right back on track. Registered for crossfit for tonight and I am sugar free so far today.

Who is a badass mother? This girl.

Monday... a weigh in and the day off

I didn't have to work today.

The perks of being a teacher.

I took 3 naps today and acted like I didn't have a care in the world. Seems like that may have been the theme of the weekend.

Anywho, today my food choices were...umm... lets just say "less than stellar." We are wrapping that up in a nice little bow and leaving it behind.

The reason? Today was my 4 week weigh in of being sugar and soda free.

4 weeks ago when I started, these were my stats:

Week one: 184
Week two: 184.4
Week three: 185
Week 4: 184


So I think I just said screw it, but just for today.

So I will leave you with a picture of Ellie Pmae and her verison of "out door activities" and sunning in the winter.

Bustin' balls

For real. I commited 12 days ago to living better and being healthy.

I have stuck with it! No candy/treats and no soda for 12 days.

Those first 3 days dang near killed me, especially the 2nd one. It made feel like I had the flu and I had zero energy. I just couldn't believe what it made me feel.

Anywho, it really has gotten much easier and basically the treats are no threat to me.

They would be if I hadn't made that bet. No way in hell will I be the first one to break.

Also, in the 12 days have ran 3 timres and went to Crossfit 4 times.

Guess what the scale has done?

Well my weight the first Monday was 184.4 this morning it was 184. I'm not holding my breath for it to be much better in the morning.

I'm trying to just brush it off and move on. Recognize that it really is about taking care of my healthy..

Yadda-Yadda. Those are great things and exercise helps me to be a better person! I just want the scale to move to. Please, please you flat chested hooker, just give me a break!

On a funner note, The Husband has decided that he enjoys CF and has been 3 times already with me!