Sunday, July 27, 2014

My husband shows his love by leaving me.

Since I've got nothing weightloss wise to share with anyone, I think I'll write a blog of another flavor.
All you lapbanders that are looking for running/crossfit/dragon warrior inspiration, just keep moving.

This one is about husbands. Husbands that leave their wives and kids.

Anyone who knows me very well at all, knows that I have a pretty healthy respect for my husbands ex-wife (for the purpose of this blog I will call her L.) I think L is doing a great job raising the kids (she is the primary care giver, they live 3 hours from us.) I also think she does a great job at putting the kids needs first and she has NEVER, I repeat NEVER tried to make it even more difficult for us to see the kids and whatever issuses her and my husband have, they leave the kids out of it.

In fact, I have been known to say that it is probably the best it can be, for what it is. Now don't go all crazy on me and think "nothing can be that perfect." It isn't perfect. It is just good and all 4 adults in the situation do what they can for the kids and try and leave their personal feelings out of it.... or at least not bring it up in front of the kids.

Have you read or seen some of the crazy nut jobs that call DCFS and/or the cops on each other all the time or talk bad about the other parent(s) in front of the kids? I have. So with that knowledge, I think we all have it pretty good.


My husband works in the oilfield. If you don't know what that means, mostly it means decent money (that is dangerously unstable) and crazy hours with no set schedule. Even days off turn into work days and phone call days. It is just the nature of the beast.

Now oilfield worker is no different than rancher, farmer, doctor, lawyer and I'm sure the list goes on.

This is a post for all the husbands and wives out there that don't have a 9-5.

A revelation came a few weeks ago to me when I took the kids back to their mom, without Greg. You see, he had planned to go with me and we were going to leave at 5 when he "typically" gets off work. I told him earlier in the day to just let me know if he thought he would be late and I would go without him.  Typical day.

Well he called about 10:30 and said there was no way he would be able to go at 5, and since I would rather not travel all night, I decided to just go without him. Which is no big deal to me and doesn't bother their mom. So off we went.

We arrived almost the exact time that L got home from work and we were visiting like we always do. About the kids, and anything that came up while they were in either home. Well she said "I thought Greg was coming with you?" My reply was "he was, but then his schedule changed." She said "That sounds like Greg."

This is the moment that I had an Ah-ha moment (you know, like Oprah.)

That line "That sounds like Greg" stuck with me, kinda bugged me, ya know? So I pondered it. Like I do everything and this is the conclusion I came to.

She doesn't understand.

I can only speak for myself, for my situation and my husband. This is my perspective.

Oilfield worker, rancher, farmer, garbage man, lawyer, doctor... they are all the same. Maybe more than even they known. Maybe it is all men and women who go to work when they don't want to. When they know they will miss first steps, busted lips, hugs of comfort, funny things their children say, holidays and family gatherings. The list is endless.

In my case, Greg doesn't want to be gone. He doesn't want to miss the time we do get with the kids, or time with Baby Meeks when he gets here. He doesn't want to miss time with me.

Know what else probably isn't in his plan? Missing birthdays, answering phone calls during the only dinner we've eaten together in a week. Sending the text that ends the only date we have scheduled in months before it ever started. Working out of town and living out of a suitcase. Sometimes sharing a room with some guy he doesn't know, or even want to know. Washing his own laundry at a laudromat, after an 18 hour day, because his 4 day trip actually turned into 10.

His plan probably doesn't include comforting his wife about a bad day over the phone, or saying goodnight to his kids via FaceTime for what seems like the 100th time. No kisses, no "I want Papa to do it." He is missing out. He is missing them and us. What about his heartache?

He is not just missing out on kid stuff. He misses fireworks, rodeos, picnics, the news. He has to say no to golf games, leave softball games before they have even started. He misses out on some things that have nothing to do with being a dad or husband and everything to do with being a happy human.

His plans get interupted just as often as ours and yet we still get to be there and he has to leave. How are we getting the short end of the stick? I don't understand how someone can see it that way.

He is critizied for looking at his phone when his kids are around, leaving parties early, letting his teammates down.

Now in my case, Greg is a good husband and a great dad. So please no posts about your son in law, or ex husband or whoever that spent all of his time avoiding his kids, his responsibilty. Or when he was out of town or off work spending every night at the bar or the strip club. That isn't my Greg, it isn't the caliber of man I am writing about. Greg doesn't spend his time avoiding his family nor making excuses to be somewhere else. When I call and he doesn't answer, I know it isn't on purpose. When I don't get a text back for hours, I know he is busy.  Maybe he is out of service. Most likely he is in a situation that requires all of his concentration to stay safe and to do his part to help keep those around him safe. Greg isn't avoiding me, his family, he loves us. He proves it in how hard he works everyday.

He shows his love by leaving in the middle of the party with a smile on his face. Volunteering to skip a golf game (even though he hasn't played in weeks) because I just want him to come home. He shows his love for me by leaving me. By leaving his kids and going to work.  He shows his love by putting his wants and needs second.

The way I was raised groomed me to be an oilflied wife. My dad is a rancher and a business owner. He missed horse shows, school stuff... We always joke that he didn't even know what grade we were in, how old we were or which school to pick us up at. The truth? He didn't. The other truth? I have always known how much he loves his family. He shows us by leaving us. By providing for us. We may not of had a dad at the horse show, but how do you think we got there? His truck. Who paid the entry fees? he did. When we needed him, truly needed him, for the important things, he was there. He is still there.

Just like Greg and a bunch of other husbands and dads out there.

So please, please, please, don't confuse the "That sounds like Greg"  like some do, for what it truly is, "that sounds like the job."

Give the hardworking men of our lives credit for what they are really doing. Putting our needs, the needs of their families, ahead of their own needs and their own wants.

Give them credit for leaving us.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I have a monkey on my back

Soda. Soda pop. Pop.

My biggest achilles heel.

Remember all those years ago when I posted about my last ever soda and how I would never, ever, ever touch one again?

I held to that promise for so long.

I remember when the scale going down each week was all I needed to get up and go for a run, put down the cookie, say no thanks to the birthday cake. I avoided bread because I knew it wasn't band friendly.

I've talked about it before, but at my one year bandiversary and at 164 pounds a few people I really trust and love told me to stop obsessing, to give my body a break. "You've lost so much weight, so fast" they said. So I did. I took a step back and without even recognizing it, I went into my maintaince mode. Staying between 170-180 pounds for almost 18 months.

I developed maintance habits.

**I don't blame those people, I just wish I had known what a change in mindset at that point would do to me.**

Then what?

I fell in love with Gregy.

That happiness gave me something that I hadn't had in a long time, maybe ever. I found peace and comfort in myself. He helped me to realize that someone could love me, just for me.

Along with that happiness came a drop in the obsessive behaviors that had kept me from gaining weight for so long, but we were so active together and always going. And Gregy isn't a foodie. He doesn't even care about food - he forgets to eat? I am so envious of this.

The morning of our wedding, Novemember 2, I weighed 174 pounds. Completely in my comfort zone.

By Christmas I weighed 187 pounds. I had to buy a few new pants and shirts to get my by until I dropped those pounds. I was only looking at 10-14 pounds and so I wasn't too stressed. Easy peasy. Just a typical winter gain for me.

The end of Februray I was pregnant (so HAPPILY) but my band hated those initial pregancy hormones. I had to go to my Lap Band Lady- Amy and we made the decision to remove 1.0 cc from the fickle hooker that is my band.

By my 6 week check up I'd gained 10 pounds, taking me to 197 pounds. At this point, something clicked and I realized it was only going to get worse. How could it not, I am growing a human.

Today, at 24 weeks pregnant I weigh 217 pounds. The anxiety I have had over this entire situatuion has been sky high and the approach I have taken has been to "worry about it later."

My eating hasn't been perfect, but it hasn't been out of control either.

I think if I am being honest with myself I have two major issues.

1- I haven't been exercising at all. Not one bit. I can feel it. In my muscles, in my breathing, in my soul. The laziness of it all is overwhelming me. Eating at me. I can't decide if I don't have energy to get moving because I am  pregnant, or because during that first trimester I stopped doing all extra anything (during that time, I really couldn't do anything extra.)

2- My soda habit is back. Every. Single. Day. I pop the top on some sugary,bubbly, soda. It came back full force during the first trimester because I was falling asleep while instructing students and I was trying to function. (I know that there are all sorts of rules about what should/shouldn't be consumed during pregnancy, I've read them all and I am doing the best with the knowledge I havea and the knowledge of my doctor... I think we will all survive my Sunkist addiciton.) We may survive, but it isn't doing any favors on the scale.

I saw a picture of myself while moving cows on saturday. I died inside just a little bit. I do everytime I get on the scale or see a picture.

Me, in the pink.... Sad face. 
I know I'm growing a small human- I know it is a miracle.

I just don't know how to balance it. How to make it right. I also don't know what life after a baby will look like. How to put it into my head, how to organize how I will lose weight after the baby is here?

Maybe it is the unknown that is getting to me?

My Lap Band/Baby Doctor Amy told me she knows I have the willpower and strength to take care of it after the baby is here.

I think she is right...

I know she is right... Where the hell is my Dargon Warrior? I think the pregnancy hormomes have made her sleepy too.

but how do I do a bit of damage contorl between now and Novemeber 3rd?

Looking kinda pregnant and cute.
I guess what I am saying friends is that I know I can do it. I know I will do it.... I also know the hard work and the time it will take. 

First things first.... get that monkey off my back.