Babies

I thought I had written about a family event that happened last January, but I couldn't find the post. 

After much anticipation we were at the hospital waiting for Baby Chivers to arrive.

Weston. 

She had a typical pregnancy. With a couple small hiccups along the way (high blood pressure and a kydney infection.) 

We were there. In a hospital. Waiting. Doctors all around. 

Know what happened? Baby Weston was born without a heartbeat. Not one person can tell us why. After much work from the doctors he was back with us. 

He was life flighted to a childrens hospital, Primary Children's, and we were all full of hope. We were also fearful. This wasn't the first full term, healthy baby our family was threatened with losing. It was all too real.

At the end of Weston's short stay at Primary Children's we each came home carrying our own grief. 

Struggling to understand and cope with making funeral arrangememnts for a life so short. 

Wondering why. Trying to find comfort for ourselves and especially for my brother and his wife. 

Those small spirits bring so much love with them and they are loved even before we ever hold them. 

It was a new wave of grief for my older brother and his ex wife who also had a baby taken in circumstances very similar. Their grief was raw and real. 

This was all brought back to me today when a friend text to let me know that a dear friend of ours who had a due date for a little boy just a few weeks from now had went to the doctor because she hadn't felt her baby move in a little while. While there she found out that her baby had passed away.

I've been thinking about it since. Not quite in a panic, but fearful. Sad for her. Fearful for myself.

Love is such a risk. 

Today the weight of being pregnant and carrying the life of someone I love so much and have never met is overwhelming. 

Today it is heavy.