Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I have a monkey on my back

Soda. Soda pop. Pop.

My biggest achilles heel.

Remember all those years ago when I posted about my last ever soda and how I would never, ever, ever touch one again?

I held to that promise for so long.

I remember when the scale going down each week was all I needed to get up and go for a run, put down the cookie, say no thanks to the birthday cake. I avoided bread because I knew it wasn't band friendly.

I've talked about it before, but at my one year bandiversary and at 164 pounds a few people I really trust and love told me to stop obsessing, to give my body a break. "You've lost so much weight, so fast" they said. So I did. I took a step back and without even recognizing it, I went into my maintaince mode. Staying between 170-180 pounds for almost 18 months.

I developed maintance habits.

**I don't blame those people, I just wish I had known what a change in mindset at that point would do to me.**

Then what?

I fell in love with Gregy.

That happiness gave me something that I hadn't had in a long time, maybe ever. I found peace and comfort in myself. He helped me to realize that someone could love me, just for me.

Along with that happiness came a drop in the obsessive behaviors that had kept me from gaining weight for so long, but we were so active together and always going. And Gregy isn't a foodie. He doesn't even care about food - he forgets to eat? I am so envious of this.

The morning of our wedding, Novemember 2, I weighed 174 pounds. Completely in my comfort zone.

By Christmas I weighed 187 pounds. I had to buy a few new pants and shirts to get my by until I dropped those pounds. I was only looking at 10-14 pounds and so I wasn't too stressed. Easy peasy. Just a typical winter gain for me.

The end of Februray I was pregnant (so HAPPILY) but my band hated those initial pregancy hormones. I had to go to my Lap Band Lady- Amy and we made the decision to remove 1.0 cc from the fickle hooker that is my band.

By my 6 week check up I'd gained 10 pounds, taking me to 197 pounds. At this point, something clicked and I realized it was only going to get worse. How could it not, I am growing a human.

Today, at 24 weeks pregnant I weigh 217 pounds. The anxiety I have had over this entire situatuion has been sky high and the approach I have taken has been to "worry about it later."

My eating hasn't been perfect, but it hasn't been out of control either.

I think if I am being honest with myself I have two major issues.

1- I haven't been exercising at all. Not one bit. I can feel it. In my muscles, in my breathing, in my soul. The laziness of it all is overwhelming me. Eating at me. I can't decide if I don't have energy to get moving because I am  pregnant, or because during that first trimester I stopped doing all extra anything (during that time, I really couldn't do anything extra.)

2- My soda habit is back. Every. Single. Day. I pop the top on some sugary,bubbly, soda. It came back full force during the first trimester because I was falling asleep while instructing students and I was trying to function. (I know that there are all sorts of rules about what should/shouldn't be consumed during pregnancy, I've read them all and I am doing the best with the knowledge I havea and the knowledge of my doctor... I think we will all survive my Sunkist addiciton.) We may survive, but it isn't doing any favors on the scale.

I saw a picture of myself while moving cows on saturday. I died inside just a little bit. I do everytime I get on the scale or see a picture.

Me, in the pink.... Sad face. 
I know I'm growing a small human- I know it is a miracle.

I just don't know how to balance it. How to make it right. I also don't know what life after a baby will look like. How to put it into my head, how to organize how I will lose weight after the baby is here?

Maybe it is the unknown that is getting to me?

My Lap Band/Baby Doctor Amy told me she knows I have the willpower and strength to take care of it after the baby is here.

I think she is right...

I know she is right... Where the hell is my Dargon Warrior? I think the pregnancy hormomes have made her sleepy too.

but how do I do a bit of damage contorl between now and Novemeber 3rd?

Looking kinda pregnant and cute.
I guess what I am saying friends is that I know I can do it. I know I will do it.... I also know the hard work and the time it will take. 

First things first.... get that monkey off my back.


  1. Oh Lorie! I totally get this. From loved ones telling me to relax a bit (yes that triggered my weight gain too) to getting into maintenence habits. Hang in there - it will all fall into place into a new normal for you. I've started adding in walking to my routine - its simple and burns fat - its requires little motivation...might be something to think about rather than trying to go full force into cross fit or running.
    Also Super jealous of that photo - love the wide open space!

  2. OK so I go MIA for a while and come back to find that you got married then I go AWOL and when I come back I find out your making a little peanut! I am so thrilled for you!
    First let me say that I was not banded when I was pregnant- but I know that from reading your blog I know that once the peanut is born and you have him all nestled in his robins egg blue room with orange accents you will eventually - i'm not saying you will run right out and join cross fit- but eventually you will get back into to Dragon warrior mode and will kick some serious butt. But right now let the dragon sleep so you can focus on that lil' peanut and having a healthy pregnancy. The only little bit of banded advice i will give is slow down on the soda- not just for the sake of your band but for the peanut- he is sweet enough and doesn't need the artificial sweeteners.
    Enjoy this time as this beautiful miracle takes place within you.
    God bless you, Greg and the peanut along with the step babies you have.