I have a monkey on my back

Soda. Soda pop. Pop.

My biggest achilles heel.

Remember all those years ago when I posted about my last ever soda and how I would never, ever, ever touch one again?

I held to that promise for so long.

I remember when the scale going down each week was all I needed to get up and go for a run, put down the cookie, say no thanks to the birthday cake. I avoided bread because I knew it wasn't band friendly.

I've talked about it before, but at my one year bandiversary and at 164 pounds a few people I really trust and love told me to stop obsessing, to give my body a break. "You've lost so much weight, so fast" they said. So I did. I took a step back and without even recognizing it, I went into my maintaince mode. Staying between 170-180 pounds for almost 18 months.

I developed maintance habits.

**I don't blame those people, I just wish I had known what a change in mindset at that point would do to me.**

Then what?

I fell in love with Gregy.

That happiness gave me something that I hadn't had in a long time, maybe ever. I found peace and comfort in myself. He helped me to realize that someone could love me, just for me.

Along with that happiness came a drop in the obsessive behaviors that had kept me from gaining weight for so long, but we were so active together and always going. And Gregy isn't a foodie. He doesn't even care about food - he forgets to eat? I am so envious of this.

The morning of our wedding, Novemember 2, I weighed 174 pounds. Completely in my comfort zone.

By Christmas I weighed 187 pounds. I had to buy a few new pants and shirts to get my by until I dropped those pounds. I was only looking at 10-14 pounds and so I wasn't too stressed. Easy peasy. Just a typical winter gain for me.

The end of Februray I was pregnant (so HAPPILY) but my band hated those initial pregancy hormones. I had to go to my Lap Band Lady- Amy and we made the decision to remove 1.0 cc from the fickle hooker that is my band.

By my 6 week check up I'd gained 10 pounds, taking me to 197 pounds. At this point, something clicked and I realized it was only going to get worse. How could it not, I am growing a human.

Today, at 24 weeks pregnant I weigh 217 pounds. The anxiety I have had over this entire situatuion has been sky high and the approach I have taken has been to "worry about it later."

My eating hasn't been perfect, but it hasn't been out of control either.

I think if I am being honest with myself I have two major issues.

1- I haven't been exercising at all. Not one bit. I can feel it. In my muscles, in my breathing, in my soul. The laziness of it all is overwhelming me. Eating at me. I can't decide if I don't have energy to get moving because I am  pregnant, or because during that first trimester I stopped doing all extra anything (during that time, I really couldn't do anything extra.)

2- My soda habit is back. Every. Single. Day. I pop the top on some sugary,bubbly, soda. It came back full force during the first trimester because I was falling asleep while instructing students and I was trying to function. (I know that there are all sorts of rules about what should/shouldn't be consumed during pregnancy, I've read them all and I am doing the best with the knowledge I havea and the knowledge of my doctor... I think we will all survive my Sunkist addiciton.) We may survive, but it isn't doing any favors on the scale.

I saw a picture of myself while moving cows on saturday. I died inside just a little bit. I do everytime I get on the scale or see a picture.

Me, in the pink.... Sad face. 

I know I'm growing a small human- I know it is a miracle.

I just don't know how to balance it. How to make it right. I also don't know what life after a baby will look like. How to put it into my head, how to organize how I will lose weight after the baby is here?

Maybe it is the unknown that is getting to me?

My Lap Band/Baby Doctor Amy told me she knows I have the willpower and strength to take care of it after the baby is here.

I think she is right...

I know she is right... Where the hell is my Dargon Warrior? I think the pregnancy hormomes have made her sleepy too.

but how do I do a bit of damage contorl between now and Novemeber 3rd?

Looking kinda pregnant and cute.
24weeks

I guess what I am saying friends is that I know I can do it. I know I will do it.... I also know the hard work and the time it will take. 

First things first.... get that monkey off my back.