Sunday, April 10, 2011


The truth... The truth.... TRUTH! I keep trying to post this... keep trying to put it into words, and I can't seem to find them. Maybe i'm a chicken, maybe I know what I want to write, but can't bring myself to put into words and lend it credence.
Here it is. I'm afraid I will HATE men, all of them, that ask me out. Even if they didn't know me "fat," would they have loved me? Does being skinny change so much? Damn it! Damn them! and Damn myself for letting me get this way!
Then, what if i'm the opposite? What if I don't care, what if I forget "who I am" and just go crazy like another "prior fat chick" I know did... she sleeps with anyone that has a pulse... and all she talks about is how much people want her. With no substance to her character. Letting herself be defined by a night at the bar, and the handsome face that buys her a drink.

THIS fat girl is afraid.
I'm more afraid of the feeling then anythings else, what if nothing feels the same, what if I love food so much that even with surgery I can't lose weight... Maybe the fear mostly comes from the question: what if I can't love myself even if i'm skinny. There are so many what ifs'. I'm driving myself crazy.

I pray, daily that I will find peace and comfort in my journey...
What if the skinny me hates myself as much as my fat self did?

On a good note, I've felt peace about my decision to go forward with the surgery... I just want to be able to manage everything around me:) SURPRISE!

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