Thursday, April 7, 2011

So I was completely gun-ho about this weight loss surgery thing (March 16). Then like I sometimes do, with big decisions, I talked myself out of it. I don't know why it happens, but it does. Then we went to a concert, and I packed my "non-average sized body" in that "average" sized seat, I was embarrassed and knew I had to make a CHANGE! Yet that was still not enough (yeah, i'm a little stubborn).
Sunday night I was laying in bed, thinking about all the reasons I wouldn't marry me.. and believe me, there are many.
1. I'm huge
2. I swear
3. I'm not the best Mormon? I can't recite all the BOM stories by heart.
4. I sometimes get mad, and I want to scream and fight like a CRAZY Lady!
5. I'm sarcastic and vicious sometimes... being rude even when I don't intend too.
6. I don't always want to be positive.

I think that is enough, don't you?
This is really personal; I don't love myself, not really, not all of me, i've never thought much about it, because I don't KNOW that it is possible... when I evaluate (which I avoid) I know that I love other people, I accept their faults, love them because of their imperfections, but I CANNOT love my own faults and short comings, and therefore don't expect others to love me.
As I get older and use "hindsight" I realize that this is the reason I put myself in harmful relationships. it is only when I know that they have bigger issues (like serious, slap you in the face issues). That is when i'm comfortable, i'm like "YES! they've got issues, they won't mind mine!"
At this point in my life, I don't feel like I deserve my "perfect" match. Whoever/whatever that is... but because I have higher expectations for myself then those "other boys," I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone (bitter and hateful:).
So, i'm making these changes to "fix" a thing or two I don't appreciate about myself.
The issue? And the reason I think I haven't been more gun-ho about the surgery? I'm worried that I'll hold it against EVERY SINGLE MAN that asks me out after I lose weight that they didn't want to date me before... even though I'm essentially the same person. I'm really not sure I'll be able to get over it! How will I know that they would love me even "LARGE."
I'm sure before this is all over I'll have many issues to get passed!
Here's to the future.... Cheers!

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