Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Being a Real Mom and a Bonus Mom

I didn’t even know that term “Bonus Mom” existed until months after I had become one. I was searching for the right title, something, anything that didn't have step in front of it.   

You see, from the beginning I just didn’t believe that “Step-mom” was a term that applied to me. It implies a distance, space between the kids and me. I’ve always thought that if I really love Greg  (which I do)How could I only “kind of” love them? How could I love them with space between us?

The day I became a Mom, is day I married their Dad. It wasn’t just Greg and I. It was all four of us. From the moment I fell in love with him, I loved his babies.  

But I couldn’t call myself “the mom.” They have a mom, a great one. I don’t want to take her place; I’m not even tempted to try. I respect her too much.

Those first few months were the hardest. Where did I fit in? Why had God decided to make me a part of this plan? Even for a moment I wondered why I couldn’t have it easier.  Why did these amazing kids feel like a heavy blessing at times? It was the strangest feeling, to carry a heavy blessing.  How is a girl like me supposed to know how to be a mom, the extra mom; the Bonus Mom. I didn’t know. I cried a lot those first few months. It all seemed so overwhelming, so impossible. How was all of this supposed to work?  Poor Greg, I’m sure it seemed that I needed constant reassurance. How was I supposed to know what was best for someone else’s children? Someone who was doing such a good job?  What was my role supposed to be?

As the time passed, the heaviness of the blessing began to lighten. These sweet babies were becoming mine in a way; our own special way. No longer was I wondering how we fit in with each other, we just found our groove. I found my spot in their lives. My own special spot that includes loving them in my own way, having our own special experiences; horses, cows, four wheelers, I couldn’t be like their Mom.  We aren’t the same person. I can’t fill that void for them, and I don’t need to. What I could do is add more love. More adventures. We are raising children as a team of four, children that have many opportunities.

Then PJ was his own special spirit, my first born but not my first child. I cried over the thought of never having one child, never having an opportunity to discover what just one felt like. Then I cried because it was such a blessing to have more than one.

My biggest fear was that I would feel differently about J and E than I did about PJ. How was I going to treat them the same, but love them differently? How would I keep them from knowing? I just didn’t know. I cried and prayed and cried some more, for months. When PJ was just a few weeks old, I realized something. I didn’t feel any differently about him than I did about my other children.

No different. I love them. All three of them. Love them, worry about them, miss them.  They are my children.

The only thing that has changed since having PJ is that I now KNOW what I am missing while J and E are not with us. I don’t know how or if I will ever be able to forgive myself for all the things I am missing out on. All the things I just won’t be there for because of the distance, because of the circumstances.

Being the Bonus Mom is hard work. I won’t ever know, so I’m only speculating, but I bet the only job that is harder is being The Mom and sharing with a Bonus Mom.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Our Start

This is a blog post for Justin and Evelyn.

My babies.

I love your Mom.

I love your Papa.

Most of all, I love you. Both of you.

Your Papa, now he is a good feller. I waited a really long time for him. There were times I never thought he would make an apperance.

I didn't understand why I had to wait so long to find my Prince Charming.

Now I know.

He was married to your Mommy.

Bringing joy to my life before he ever knew me.

It was for you, both of you. That is why I had to wait.

You were both worth it.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

These are pictures of the first day we met. You won't remember it. I'll never forget.

Not quite newborn pictures, are they?

It might not be where everyone starts, but it is a perfect start.

It is our start.

Exactly how it was supposed to start.

Friday, February 6, 2015

The bearded man moved in Dr.Pepper

So a long time ago I wrote about how I would never drink Pepsi again. I swore the last one would be with my "Last Supper." You can read about it here

You know what? I have stuck to that. I never went back to that Pepsi. It was a clean break.

The real problem happened when I married my handsome husband.

**He started the beard for no shave November and just never quit.**

Well when that handsome guy moved in, he brought Dr. Pepper with him. It is constantly in the fridge. I never told him I wasn't strong enough for it to be there. I never asked him to keep it in his cooler, or not to keep the fridge stocked. I thought I was strong enough.... I wasn't

So today, again, I will say goodbye to that icy friend(enemy?) and move forward with the weight loss journey that is never ending.

This weeks new sweater... I can't get the picture to rotate.

ANNNNNNNNND!!!!! My dream house. I am seriously in love with this house. **sigh** one day.