Flash Back

About 245 pounds. 

This was at a wedding in Idaho with some of my beautiful roommates from college. That shirt is a 2x, and I remember specifically that the skirt was an 18 because I was so freaking happy that is zipped when I tried it on at the store.

I also remembered that I bought what fit, even if it was expensive and even if I didn't really love it.

Just a reminder of where I started.

TTT

1- I woke up today and wanted to binge on sugar. I didn't.

2- I even stopped at the store on the way to school and left empty handed.

3- #2 should be considered a super power.

4-  I am rocking my workout routine and I can FEEL it making a difference.

5- 5 weeks until Summer vacation... now that is something to be crazy about.

6- We have had the crappiest weather this week. Seriously. We need all the rain/snow we can get, but does it have to be freezing donkey butt outside? And the wind! My hell, the wind. Mother Nature can be a hooker when she wants to be.

7- I am still saddened by the events in Boston. My heart aches every day for our Country and for the World. I don't see anyway to help or prevent these things.
So I did what I always do. I hug my family and remind them that I love them. I say a prayer for the people affected to find comfort.Then I find something good in the day. Maybe 10 things good. It can be simple things- people being kind, going out of their way to encourage or whatever it is. Small, simple goodness. Then I remember that, I hold that feeling in my heart and that is the only thing that brings me comfort.
If I dwell on it I lose hope. I get depressed and I can't function.
I don't watch the news for that very reason. My heart is too soft and I am afraid that the ugly of the World will break me and I will never be able to put it back together.

8-  So these are the little things!

9- I think I really have this weight loss thing under control. I'm going to "hardcore" these last 30 pounds to the park... then go from there. 

10-  My hands (among other things) are sore from my weight lifting this week. My hands are building callouses... I'm trying to convince myself that men will love it:) 

I'm converted

To CrossFit.

I am not saying it is the be all and end all of exercise.

I firmly believe that each person has to find their fit.

Some swim (which I do not like.)
Some use the elptical (which I don't really like either.)

Some of us run, which I truly enjoy but I don't want to do every day.
Some of us bike... which is one of my FAVORITE, but in the forzen land I live in it is really only possible a few months of the year.

I've been know to Zumb@ and shake my butt like it is on fire.

From the first time I tried CrossFit, I knew it was the kind of punishment for me.

Reason #1- I am totally into a group of people that are cheering you on, not letting you quit.

Reason #2- I love that it is always different.

Reason #3- I love the trainers and how they always help me to be more than I thought I could be.

This is the big reason........


I haven't ran since November after my Ragnar... I just kinda got tired of it. Bored.

So in January I started Crossfit. And the journey began.

So THE BIG REASON. Reason number 4.

I ran tonight. I ran 2.6 miles (5 mph and 5.5 mph) without stopping and felt A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. I think Laura Bell would say "amazing balls."

So I can train for running without running every day? I am in.

Sold.

What does losing weight cost you?

In dollars. What does it cost you?

Remember those days when I thought "I just can't afford that?"

I do. 

Know what occured to me today?

I spend 325 dollars a month on being healthy. That does not includ food or new running shoes or new workout clothes.... none of that.

THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!  

I am not freaking kidding you. 

1. 200 dollars for my loan payment that I got for my self pay Lap Band surgery. 

2. 100 dollars a month for my CrossFit membership.

3. 25 dollars a month for a membership to my local rec center. 

Then if I get a lap band adjustment, that is out of pocket, $65. 

I can't justify spending that money, then shoving crap food in my mouth.  

Get up and get moving Lorie, this is the time. 

Artificial Will Power

Confession time!

I spent January, February and March of this year convinced my band didn’t work.

For serious.

I thought I had just somehow convinced myself to diet for 18 months and the band had never done anything for me.

No joke.

My weight had gone up.

I couldn’t get full.

My cravings were out of control.

I thought “this thing doesn’t work.” “It has never worked.”

 thought “Lorie, you have no willpower, none.”

I was trying to eat the same foods/portions as always.

I was exercising.

I was failing.

At 186, 24 pounds up from my lowest (162), I started researching different diets.

Diets that had never worked for me before and in the back of my mind, I knew they wouldn’t work again.

Desperate to get to my goal weight and fraught with worry that I would wake up at 277+ as a failure.

Finally, Monday April 8^th I went to see Amy for a fill.

She is always so nice and so supportive.

I wanted her to yell at me. Give me a serious do better talk. Tell me to get off my butt and not make excuses. I wanted her to tell me that it was my fault, that I wouldn’t be successful. Self destruct much?  

I think I wanted to give up because what I was doing just wasn't working.

She didn’t do that. She added .3, told me to come back if I thought I needed more. Told me I knew what I was doing and that I am her model “lap bander.”

She told me I could succeed…

So I left hopeful.

You know what? Those first 15 months my band was working because it is working now.

How do I know?

1.       I can eat 1 cup of food and be full for up to 4 hours.

2.       My food choices are not limited because I am NOT too tight.

3.       I am not hungry between meals and BECAUSE of that it is easier to not snack and to pass by foods I know I shouldn’t eat.

My band doesn’t do all of the work, but it does 20% of it.

The 20% that I can’t do on my own.

20% of added, artificial Will Power!

Game on. 

Just one day

How long can I do this? I've been asking myself that a lot lately. With the little battle I have been having with scale, I have been frustrated and just want to take a year long break a little break...

I'm not going to.

I have started asking myself this question...

Can I do it for one more day?

The answer is yes.

Yes



Also, isn't it funny that some of us I hate to go see my doctor after a little weight gain for an adjustement or even a pep talk? Hello Lorie! You had WLS. Use it.

Somthin' be buggin' me

So something has been bugging me lately.

First, I am never one to look for excuses as to why I gain weight. I know that sometimes my eating gets derailed, or I take a little hiatus from exercise. I just nod to myself, fix it and move on.

The thing is, in the last 3 months I just haven't been able to stop some of the weight gain. I went from 168 (ish) in November to 185 (ish) this month.

Now Novermber and December I didn't get as much exercise in as I should- though November is when I ran Ragnar, so that might not even be true.

In January I started Crossfit- YEE-YEE

I have been going 3-5 times a week since I started. It has started to become Spring and I just move more when I can get outside.

Anyway, I just haven't been able to figure out why my weight jumped so quickly and then just got sticky and stayed, no matter what.

I blamed some of it on holidays and all of that. Then the Winter blues. This Winter just seemed to last for FREAKING EVER.

So I got to thinking. Right before I started my weightloss journey I had a sudden 25 pound weight gain that just pushed me over the edge.
*I didn't think about why because I knew that I had always had terrible eating and exercise habits and I just figured it was the next jump to buying a bigger size of pants.* Just a typical life as a chubby girl, you know?

That doesn't explain this one though, does it? Well here is the deal. I have been on BC since I was about 16 because my periods just get out of control and the cramps make me miserable.

After I decided to have surgery I decided that I wasn't going to add those chemicals into my body anymore and that I would just suffer through whatever came my way with the period business.

It actaully worked out well, until in October of last year the period from hell hit, and I decided to go back on Nuv@ Ring.

Sudden weight gain anyone?

The same BC that I had switched too just a few months before the 25 pound gain almost 2 years ago  that pushed me to have WLS.

It just didn't make me feel right, really lethargic and bloated. So I stopped taking it again (about 1 month ago.)

So I am hopping that, that combined with my renewed effort to stay away from sugar and my .3 fill I got today will get me going again!