39 weeks

So, I'm finally 39 weeks pregnant.

It seems the time has flown and stood still. All at once.

I have spent the last few weeks scrambling to get everything finished at work and making sure that all the ends are tied up so that they can function without bothering me for the 8 weeks I will be gone.

I have held steady at 235 pounds for over a month now. That is up 46 pounds from the 189 I weighed when I got pregnant. I won't be dwelling on the fact that 189 was HIGH for what my maintenance weight was. Oh man, I swear I will love the 170's and my body like never before when I finally get back there.

I had a dream the other night that I ran 8 miles. It was so real. The burn in my lungs and the weight of my legs. I woke up sad that I had become such a sloth.

I will be a warrior again. It will just take time. I'm not going to allow obesity to become a part of my life again. I just can't.

38 plus weeks.

38 weeks.

Last year my sister and sister in law were pregnant. This year, my sister in law and myself are preggers. So stinking cute!

 

 

So, I think I'm pretty dang cute pregnant. I also think it is amazing what our bodies can do! Can you believe that cute belly is carrying a human? It is seriously is amazing.

 

I think I have learned to be comfortable in my body. To love myself no mater the size, but I will not stay this size. I can't. It is too hard on my joints. On my body. I found the freedom of my body being able to do anything I want it to do. Now that I have had  taste of it, I won't be content until there again.

The post about geting a van

First off has anyone talked to Hollee? I know she was revised to the sleeve last week and I talked to her after surgery and the next day or two, but now she seems to be off the grid.


I've been in denial for months about trading in my beloved Ford Fusion (beloved, mostly because she was paid for and I LOVE not having a car payment.) I've been telling myself that I could fit all three car seats and the dogs in that car. The logistics of it weren't really in my favor, but I figured where there is a will, there is a way.

Not so in this case. They just don't fit. The car seats, not even including the dogs. Bust seriously, who can leave home without having room to take their dogs if it is a dog appropriate trip. Which is almost anywhere, in my opinion.

So, I told my husband that we should just go ahead and get a van. I need something with good MPG but my heart just wasn't in it. You know? I think that is why it took me so long to finally just bite the bullet.

This was my alternative to a van....

not my car, just an example from the internet.

 

Not too shabby, in my opinion. I know it is a little unique, and not everyone's taste, but I have been in love with them since they first came out. They seat 7 and get 17-23 MPG. Basically a van without having to go there. Thank the heavens.

 

Now we are a car payment poorer, but at least I won't be stuck at home unable to leave when this baby gets here in 6 weeks. Can't be sad about that.

 

Haven't gained any weight in the last month and I am so grateful for that. No other band related news. Just chillin here in Gods Country!

 

How are you ladies doing?

How the heck?

How does the time go so quickly and yet seem to drag on?

I'm 33 weeks pregnant and counting. Everything seems to be going well, but since this is my first go of it, what the heck do I know?

I do know I haven't reached the point of being "ready" for the baby to get here. I'm just overwhelmed by that thought.

That's how I would describe being pregnant. Overwhelming.

I oftentimes lay awake at night for hours counting baby kicks. Stressing if I don't think I feel enough of them. Stressing if he is moving more than usual.

I stop so many times in the middle of the day and "check" on him.  I'm excited when he is here that I will be able to really check on him. At least then I will be up at night with baby cuddles and spit up instead of a panic and sinking feeling because I'm not sure I have felt him move enough. **I can now see why some women rush to the ER so frequently during pregnancy. ALL RATIONAL THOUGHT LEAVES. Ugh. **

This Friday is my baby shower. I am so excited to see my family and friends! I just cant think of  a better reason to get together than little baby items.

Then I need to finish organizing the baby room and then buy anything I am still lacking.

I also have anxiety about when to pack a hospital bag? I figure I'll just push that one off for a few more weeks.

What do I know?

I hope you ladies are doing well and that your scales are being kind and your jeans are fitting loose!

**hugs**

Prenatal Classes

In my opinion there are two types of pregnant ladies.

The first doesn't really complain about anything. Except maybe to her husband (oh, my poor husband.) Said husband on any given day may hear about every single pain associated with carrying a baby. I say it is just their part of pregnancy :)

The second complains about everything to everyone. Even to people who aren't really listening.

I'm telling you, it drives me crazy. They post it on Facebook, talk about it in prenatal classes. In fact many are so dramatic that a person would think that they were the first to ever be pregnant. These women are convinced that they are having the most horrible pregnancy in the history of pregnant women.

I don't feel like I am exaggerating.

The second type of these women are frustrating to me, but really any constant complainer is. Some things just need to be share with your close friends and family. The rest of us know pregnancy sucks and don't really need you to go into deep details about your round ligament pain.

There was a type 2 and my first prenatal class. She was all about the I've been to the emergency room this many times.... I'm high risk because of.... The list was freaking endless. It was obnoxious. She was "One of those" who ask the same question 89 times because she wants the instructor to answer it a different way, or wants the class to know how pregnancy smart she is. Well we've all got Google Crazy lady and lots of random pregnancy facts floating around our heads, because HELLO, we are all pregnant.

I'm pretty sure she was all of 18 years old, if that. So I will try not to poke her in they eye during the next 5 classes.

The other things was, I went to the class by myself. You see, Greg loves his sports. Especially playing them and this class is on (one) of his softball nights. So I insisted that I wanted him to go to softball and I would go to the class.

I was sorry I had done that when I got there.

Anyone else ever wear their tough girl pants and then are sorry for it later? It doesn't happen to me very often, most of the time I know my own mind and know what I want/need from Greg and I am pretty upfront about. I misjudged on this one...

Babies

I thought I had written about a family event that happened last January, but I couldn't find the post. 

After much anticipation we were at the hospital waiting for Baby Chivers to arrive.

Weston. 

She had a typical pregnancy. With a couple small hiccups along the way (high blood pressure and a kydney infection.) 

We were there. In a hospital. Waiting. Doctors all around. 

Know what happened? Baby Weston was born without a heartbeat. Not one person can tell us why. After much work from the doctors he was back with us. 

He was life flighted to a childrens hospital, Primary Children's, and we were all full of hope. We were also fearful. This wasn't the first full term, healthy baby our family was threatened with losing. It was all too real.

At the end of Weston's short stay at Primary Children's we each came home carrying our own grief. 

Struggling to understand and cope with making funeral arrangememnts for a life so short. 

Wondering why. Trying to find comfort for ourselves and especially for my brother and his wife. 

Those small spirits bring so much love with them and they are loved even before we ever hold them. 

It was a new wave of grief for my older brother and his ex wife who also had a baby taken in circumstances very similar. Their grief was raw and real. 

This was all brought back to me today when a friend text to let me know that a dear friend of ours who had a due date for a little boy just a few weeks from now had went to the doctor because she hadn't felt her baby move in a little while. While there she found out that her baby had passed away.

I've been thinking about it since. Not quite in a panic, but fearful. Sad for her. Fearful for myself.

Love is such a risk. 

Today the weight of being pregnant and carrying the life of someone I love so much and have never met is overwhelming. 

Today it is heavy. 

baby steps

I went to the doctor yesterday for a baby check up.
Everything looks fine, except the weight gain. He brought it up, it brought me down.

I can't focus on the pounds right now. I'm focusing on being honest about what goes into my body and how I am feeling.

I will shed these pounds when the baby is here. I am sure of it. I can't live in this fat suit forever :)

Anyway, I let it get to me. So I ate. Chocolate. Cookies (which I purposely never keep in my house and someone brought me a plate... and Greg is gone for work.... so I ate them. The all of them.)  Ice cream. Chips. The list is pretty endless.

I'm up again today, fingers to the keyboard writing a blog. What can I say? Baby steps my friends.

When did you blog last?

My husband asked me last night "when did you blog last?"

It has been too freaking long and no good excuse.

My friend Rhonnie is being a badass and keeping the reins of her health and fitness tightly gripped. She wrote a blog post that I thought I specifically needed to read. She asked the question if my band had stopped working or if I had stopped working... read it HERE

I'm like a bunch of the ladies out there, struggling, thinking I failed, but you know what? I haven't.We haven't. It is just a bump in the road (a big one for me, but a bump however I look at it.)

One thing I want to be honest about, and I haven't said it to anyone else. I think I am struggling with pregnancy related depression. Now I don't think it is severe, but it is there and it is real.

Everything just seems like a bigger deal than it should. I obsess over the weirdest things and have the hardest time moving past the smallest set back... nothing like the normal me.

So I am 30 weeks pregnant today, I have a doctors appointment and I hope everything is good. Little Baby Meeks arrival is getting closer.

I've gained 38#'s and counting (though it has slowed down and I have been being more careful recently.) Sometimes all I can do physically is get through the day, even my beloved horse riding is becoming really uncomfortable and sometimes painful. So for me, right now, it is accountability for what goes in my mouth. Being honest about that. I will have to wait for my Dragon Warrior, Crossfit Status to be reinstated later.

Where are you in your fight with obesity and food addiction? I'm at the bottom, but I won't stay here for long. 40 weeks is really just a glitch in the system, not a permanent sign of where I will be.

I'll be blogging and commenting.